'Ghetto Defendant': A Girls RecapS

The appropriate response to Girls, a television show about a Cuban nightclub entertainer, his hapless wife, and the wacky couple downstairs, is to set yourself on fire outside of Leon Panetta's office. But any attempt to blunt the raw plenary power of the executive to kill with abandon is ultimately futile, and yesterday was the 30th anniversary of the U.S. release of Combat Rock, so here's a recap.

The only take on Girls that matters is Joe Strummer's, who sang in 1977:

Black man's gotta lot a problems, but they don't mind throwing a brick
White people go to school, where they teach you how to be thick...
White riot
I wanna riot
White riot
A riot of my own

If you live anywhere near 45 Bushwick Place, hold onto your apartment. Because in 15 years, when the streets of Brooklyn are crawling with Girls-themed tour buses offering American Apparel-clad midwestern tourists a glimpse of Laurie Simmons' daughter's real New York experience, the actual site of the legendary party where David Mamet's daughter smoked crack and Laurie Simmons' daughter finally became the angry woodworking actor's girlfriend will be overrun. You could start up a locally grown Korean pork belly taco truck and make a killing.

Our girls are going to a party. It is in Bushwick, a cool but also scary Brooklyn but still pretty cool neighborhood of empty warehouses, extremely poor people, and ironically poor youths. They are going to a "warehouse party," which is how Generation iPhone parties. This one is going to be the "BEST PARY EVAH!" That's so Raven.

It's Laurie Simmons' daughter, the Drummer from Bad Company's daughter, and Brian Williams' daughter, skulking apprehensively through Bushwick. Because she is so uptight and not-yet-thoroughly-fucked-by-a-real-man, Brian Williams' daughter is worried about being late.

The Drummer from Bad Company's daughter is wearing some sort of thing with crazy feathers that conveniently telegraphs just how OUTLANDISH and DEVIL-MAY-CARE she is. "All of Brooklyn and two-thirds of Manhattan will be here," she says.

How do Generation iPhone hipsters party, in rented warehouses in desolate, dangerous Bushwick? By dancing to that Jennifer Lopez "get your body on the floor" song, just like Ohioans. There are people in ironic T-shirts and porkpie hats and vests and post-ironic mohawks. It's a scene.

Brian Williams' daughter's penisless ex-boyfriend's band is playing at this warehouse party. Brian Williams' daughter is worried about seeing him, because she broke up with him two weeks ago on account of his vagina. The television show Girls' producers wanted to telegraph a "hip," "now," "downtown" sound for Brian Williams' penisless ex-boyfriend's band, which means they sound like Coldplay. When they stop, Brian Williams' daughter says hello. "I'm really really happy for you Charlie," she says. "All I ever wanted for you was to be able to find satisfaction outside of our relationship." Then his attractive and care-free and NOT AT ALL UPTIGHT new girlfriend jumps him and starts kissing him. Crisis! "Sorry, what is what is going on with this?" she says. "This happened in two weeks?"

Meanwhile, Laurie Simmons' daughter sees the angry woodworking actor, who seems to have drifted from actor to conceptual artist over the course of the season, dancing with joyful abandon with some lesbians. One of these lesbians, a feral woman who bites the cap off of a beer bottle, tells Laurie Simmons' daughter that the angry woodworking actor/conceptual artist is a recovering alcoholic. "It's like the main defining thing about him," she says. Laurie Simmons' daughter did not know this.

Meanwhile, someone offers David Mamet's daughter some crack. She thinks it is pot. She smokes it. She starts acting like she's on psychedelic drugs. Crack is not a psychedelic drug. It's cocaine. The Drummer from Bad Company's daughter deputizes Ray, Brian Williams' daughter's penisless ex-boyrfriend's friend and bandmate, to look after her.

"I'm not a fucking JAP daycare," he says.

"All I'm asking is that you make sure she doesn't jump off a roof or get fingered by a beatboxer," she says.

David Mamet's daughter runs away. Ray chases her.

Meanwhile, Brian Williams' daughter complains to random people about what a great girlfriend she was and how her penisless ex-boyrfriend should be devastated by the break-up, not onto a new relationship. Men!

Meanwhile, the Drummer From Bad Company's daughter's sad old boss has shown up at the party, to hang out with her. He is old and jobless and has kids and is sad, like most old people with kids. He wears his hair in a pony-tail-ish fashion. "Killer party," he says. "Liking the vibe." He brought a bottle of wine. The Drummer from Bad Company's daughter throws the bottle over a balcony, nearly hitting some people below. She calls them "crusties."

"A crusty?" one says. "Really? you're going to reduce us to a subculture and then not accurately name the subculture? Nice." What?

A Mark Ronson song is playing, horribly. People raise their hands in the air as though they don't care.

Meanwhile, Ray finds David Mamet's daughter, running on the streets of Bushwick. She kicks him in the groin and punches him in the face. She's naked from the waist down, a common phenomenon with crack users. That's why in neighborhoods ravaged by drugs you will often see pantsless people wandering around. David Mamet's daughter feels badly about attacking Ray. "I could massage you in a non sexual way," she says. She does.

Meanwhile, back at the BEST PARTY EVAH, Brian Williams' daughter surveys the scene. She sees Laurie Simmons' daughter dancing joyfully with the angry woodworking actor/conceptual artist. She sees the Drummer From Bad Company's daughter dancing with her boss. She sees her penisless ex-boyfriend dancing with his new, carefree girlfriend. Why isn't Brian Williams' daughter happy, and dancing with someone? Is it because she is UPTIGHT AND NEEDS TO GET FUCKED MANFULLY? Yes.

Meanwhile, the crusties attack the Drummer from Bad Company's daughter's boss and break his nose.

Oh! Look who's here! It's Laurie Simmons' daughter's gay ex-boyfriend. What an opportune vehicle for exposition and dramatic action. Brian Williams' daughter approaches him, to complain about how her penisless ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend. Laurie Simmons' gay ex-boyfriend isn't playing along. They talk to one another like players in a travelling high school anti-drug theater troupe. Their conversation ends with Laurie Simmons' daughter's gay ex-boyfriend slapping Brian Williams' daughter in what may be the worst stage slap of Generation iPhone.

"I am never coming back to Bushwick again," she says. "Ever!"

Meanwhile, the angry woodworking actor/conceptual artist is going to the Brooklyn Navy Yard to get some junk so he can build a boat that will float down the Hudson Rover and slowly disintegrate, in an art-like fashion, on the Fourth of July, until he's all that left. He is riding his bike there. Laurie Simmons' daughter is with him, on the handlebars. She is scared. The angry woodworking actor/conceptual artist is going too fast.

"I'm really scared, Adam," she says. "Can you please stop the bike?"

"We're almost at the junk place," he says. "Just keep holding on." WAIT IS THIS SOME SORT OF METAPHOR FOR SOMETHING?

He stops. She falls.

Meanwhile, the Drummer From Bad Company's daughter and her boss are at the SCARY Bushwick hospital, which has druggies and poor people. The boss cries in her arms, because he is sad and old and married and has children. "You should come home with me," he says. "Let's spend the night together. We won't do anything. We'll just keep each other company." No, she says.

"You're a tease," he says, and leaves.

Meanwhile, Brian Williams' daughter calls Laurie Simmons' daughter. "Where are you?" she says. "Send me a dropped pin." Kids today, with their iPhones.

Laurie Simmons' daughter confronts the angry woodworking actor/conceptual artist about his alcoholisness.

"You're like in AA. That's like a whole thing that you never told me."

"You never asked."

"Was i supposed to fucking guess?"

"You don't wanna know me. You want to come over in the night and have me fuck the dogshit out of you and then leave and write about it in your diary."

"Do you ever think about me?"

"See?!"

Brian Williams' daughter arrives in a cab, having divined Laurie Simmons' daughter's location from the dropped pin. "Step away from her!" she says.

"I don't know what you want from me," the angry woodworking actor/conceptual artist says to Laurie Simmons' daughter. "Do you want me to be your fucking boyfriend?"

Cut to the angry woodworking actor/conceptual artist, Laurie Simmons' daughter, and Brian Williams' daughter in the back of the cab together, with the angry woodworking actor/conceptual artist's bike across their laps. Laurie Simmons' daughter begins to smile, because she has a boyfriend now.

There's no fucking way you could fit a bike in the back of a cab with three people. Skrillex.

Watch this space for next week's recap of Girls.

Last week's Girls recap: 'Kids Don't Follow'

Image by Jim Cooke