You know how sometimes you get a package in the mail but you don't remember ordering anything and then you open up the box and it's, like, adorable vintage salt and pepper shakers from Etsy and then you post on Facebook "I guess that bottle of pinot grigio decided to take me on a shopping spree last week LOL" and all your friends are like "Haha <3"?
Canada's governing Conservative Party headquarters received a "bloody, foul-smelling" package containing a human foot in the mail this morning. They probably didn't order it, but they also can't figure out who sent it.
Wine is almost as good at keeping secrets as it is at spilling them.
While people began throwing around the "foot" guess pretty early, The Ottawa Citizen reports that police initially thought the box might contain a human heart.
But did they really think that? Or did they just want it to be a human heart because they love drama?
Either way, the heart they hoped for did turn out to be a human foot, meaning, as police sergeant Bruce Pirt noted earlier today, in a stunning a-ha moment, "There's a body without one."
So, if you just cut off your own foot and mailed it to Tory headquarters, like some patriot of yore, and thought you'd get away with in, be warned: Police are looking for you. And they know just what to look for. (A person with one foot.)
Between the bloody foot package and the paramedics being called in because an employee "reported feeling nauseous" (AKA "half-day, please") and the spring thunderstorms hitting downtown Ottawa this afternoon, it was quite a busy day on the 12th floor of 130 Albert Street.
Here is an approximate timeline of events, with details cobbled from the Citizen and the Ottawa Police Service's press releases, to help you make sense of things:
11:10 a.m. Canada Post delivers a bloody, gross-smelling package to the Conservative Party headquarters. It is addressed to "The Conservative Party of Canada" rather than a specific person. Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor blood of foot stays Canada's couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
11:15 a.m. A woman at the front desk of 130 Albert Street "partially opens" the package, although it is bloody and gross-smelling.
11:20 a.m. Police are called because, hey, someone just dropped off a bloody, gross-smelling package at the Conservative Party Headquarters.
1:45 p.m. "Two men in white jumpsuits and masks exited the building around 1:45 p.m. pushing a large barrel." THIS IS NEVER EXPLAINED.
2:55 p.m. A man delivers pizza to the Conservative Party headquarters as two officers stand guard. Normally, a pizza is the most exciting thing that can be delivered to an office. Not today.
5:20 p.m. An Ottawa police officer exits the building carrying a yellow plastic bag containing the bloody, gross-smelling package.
Throughout the day: A storm rages. (via The Ottawa Citizen):
"The Hotel Association of Canada is also located on the 12th floor. The associations's executive assistant, Linda Crouch, says […] people are more worried about the weather than the suspicious package: ‘The storm outside is worse than what's going on in here.'"
Because whoever sent the package failed to include an explanatory note, police are unsure of the culprit or motive.
Was it for good luck, like a rabbit's foot? Was it a macabre cover letter, "Just trying to get my foot in the door HAHA"? Was it part of a zombie dowry?
Or was it a piece of the same dismembered body discovered in a discarded suitcase in Montreal at around 10 a.m. Tuesday? Ottawa police think that might be it, though they stress it's too early to say for sure. (The Montreal discovery was of a torso that had gone "all grey.")
If you recently mailed a foot to the Tory headquarters in Ottawa, please explain your motive for doing so in the comments. If you have recently lost your foot and are wondering if it could be the same one sent to Tory headquarters this morning, contact the Service de Police d'Ottawa.
UPDATE: The Ottawa Citizen is now reporting that police found a human hand inside a package at the Ottawa Postal Terminal Tuesday night. Authorities have not revealed the intended destination of this second package, but noted that it was not bound for Conservative Party headquarters.
So, if you were just hoping to send someone a severed hand unrelated to the foot (and possibly torso) jazz discussed above, you picked a bad day to do it.