Police in Grove City, Ohio, a town located about 20 minutes outside of Columbus, Ohio and about 9 hours and 30 minutes outside of New York City and about 36 hours outside of Los Angeles, are on the hunt for a recently escaped 650-pound Black Angus bull calf who made a bid for freedom through a broken fence Monday night.
But good luck finding this calf, police. He's so good at pretending to be human, you've probably already interviewed him and thanked him for his time, like the first non-suspect suspect we meet at the start of an episode of Law & Order: SVU.
According to Central Ohio's News Leader 10TV.com, the calf was most recently spotted Tuesday outside of a Burger King restaurant.
Was he checking out his future home?
He was playing it cool as a cucumber/human, hanging outside of a Burger King, just the way humans do.
The calf's owner, Brian Lash, is displaying a mystifying skepticism regarding the calf's current whereabouts.
Here's the statement he made to 10TV News:
"If he's around, he went to school with the kids on the bus, to work with all the people in Grove City, to get coffee and food, and no one sees him? It's awful strange."
Riding the bus with our children, going to work with our colleagues, signing the birthday card for Dolores in reception, and offering to go on a coffee-run when he sees people in need of perking up?
Calves: They're just like us.
Lash, who recently purchased the bull at auction and sweetly describes him as both "gorgeous" and "like a shiny new penny," adds that the calf "belongs on the McDonald Farm."
He has asked that anyone who comes across the calf alert police, so he can come pick it up.
But, anonymous Black Angus bull calf, if you're reading this from an anonymous Internet café where no one sees you (awful strange), know this:
You have already won, my friend. Now go forth and live as a human.