Americans were rocked this week by report after report of their countrymen eating one another. Now, salvation has come, in the form of a moldy Jesus who wants to watch you shower.
A family from a town so small it is described only as being "near Splendora, Texas" (pop. 1275) made it to the front page of CNN.com after they were interviewed for a local news story about a moldy shape vaguely resembling Jesus Christ that miraculously appeared in the shower they should clean more often.
The video from KTRK-TV opens with reporter Kevin Quinn telling the camera "We've all seen these kinds of stories before: an image of the Virgin Mary in a grilled cheese sandwich, on the side of a tree; Jesus' face in a tortilla..." before going on to explain that this story is very different because it takes place in a shower.
Things only get better (or worse? or sideways?) from there.
Here are some of the oddest details about the saga of Jesus Christ, Shower Star:
- "Neighbors had heard about it but hadn't seen it."
Quinn interviews some neighbors who tell him they had heard fantastical tales of ShowerJesus but had not seen it with their own eyes until he showed them pictures. Had [apparent?] homeowner Chyanna Richards bragged about ShowerJesus but refused to share his blessed image with her neighbors? Or had the neighbors, when told of ShowerJesus, rebuffed her invitations to visit her dirty shower see the mildewed Lord for themselves?
- Michael Bearden's God Complex
When asked who or what the image of ShowerJesus most resembles, neighbor Michael Bearden correctly answers "Jesus," before waiting a beat and adding "But it kind of looks like me."
ShowerJesus does not look like Michael Bearden.
- How many people live in the house? And who are they?
One of the weirdest aspects of the video is how the reporter dances around the relationships of the people who inhabit single-family home also inhabited by ShowerJesus. They aren't introduced as "Chyanna's partner, Thomas" or "Thomas' cousin, So-and-So," but, rather, "Thomas George, who also lives in the house," and "a woman [neither seen nor named] who lives in the house."
- Months in the Making
Quinn explains that the mold first cropped up a couple months ago while Thomas George, "who also lives in the house" was in prison. Was the mold purposely allowed to grow for months without interference on the off chance it developed into a ShowerSavior? If allowed to continue flourishing without encumbrance, will it expand to include other characters from The Last Supper? Has anyone checked the area above the shower, where a mildewed Sistine ceiling no doubt awaits?
- An HIV Afterthought
This is how the report ends:
"One woman who lives in that home actually has HIV. For what it's worth, her family says she's being doing much better since they started seeing that moldy likeness of Jesus appear inside their home."
So go to bed tonight, America, with no more fears of flesh-eating/-throwing mentally disturbed drug addicts or of HIV. Then wake up tomorrow and clean your shower.