Your Frappuccinos Are in Danger

Smooth move by thinspirational pro-ana billionaire Mike Bloomberg: he'll ban big huge sodas that poor people drink, sure, but don't worry, people who actually vote and/ or donate money to political campaigns—your precious huge syrupy Starbucks quote sweetened coffee beverages unquote will be safe, because they contain milk.

OR WILL THEY????!!!???

DNA Info has done a little old-fashioned "shoe leather reportin'" and come to the shocking conclusion that Frappuccinos could be banned right along with big old sodas, based upon a sort of scientific technicality, an odd side effect, a loophole, if you will, in the law: that shit is just like some fucking candy pretty much.

Bloomberg's plan wouldn't cover large beverages that contain more than 51 percent milk, because dairy is considered to have redeeming nutritional value. While several administration officials said they believed Frappuccinos would likely be spared because the coffee concoctions hit the dairy quota, Starbucks employees disagreed.

"There's very, very little [milk in them]," said one barista at Astor Place. "Definitely not half," she said, pointing to a marker about a half-inch up the cup.

And do you know what's in the approximately seventeen point five inches of cup above that milk? "Toffee nut syrup." I am reading that directly off of my computer screen here (science). I don't know how they do things in Newww Yorkkk Sitty, but 'round these here parts, we don't let no skinny billionaires come 'round and and fool with our 32-ounce jugs of sugar water. You'll take the nut syrup out of our mouths over our cold, dead... mouths, because we died drinking nut syrup, as we wished. It's in the Constitution.

Get your hands off the nuts in our mouth. —America (in unison).

[DNA Info. Photo: Kristopha Hohn/ Flickr]