'This Ain't No Picnic': A Girls RecapS

The appropriate response to Girls, a television program about Korean War combat surgeons for whom laughter is the only way to keep from weeping in a world gone mad, is to saw off your boyfriend's foot and mail it to a Canadian politician. But that would be illegal, and today is the 39th anniversary of Murry Wilson's death, so here is a recap.

The only take on Girls that matters is that of the Minutemen, whose D. Boon sang in "There Ain't Shit on T.V. Tonight" three decades ago:

The media robs and betrays us
No more lies
We are responsible

Laurie Simmons' daughter and her angry woodworking actor BOYFRIEND are lying naked in his her bed, watching images of his boyhood in old home movies dance across his ceiling on a reel-to-reel projector. It's all very warm and cuddly and rom-com and vintage and appropriate maybe for an old Cameron Crowe movie but not so much for a TV show about kids who grew up in the late 1980s when no one used film cameras anymore.

"Oh my god, that is the cutest thing I have ever seen in my life," says Laurie Simmons' daughter.

In the next room, Brian Williams' daughter is crying to herself, because she's lonely, because she dumped her penisless boyfriend and now he's finally happy. She can hear Laurie Simmons' daughter and the angry woodworking actor having sex and talking dirty next door. She is listening to a Demi Lovato song, sadly.

The angry woodworking actor takes Laurie Simmons' daughter jogging. Or running. They say running now. Laurie Simmons' daughter does not want to run. She's out of shape. The angry woodworking actor offers enthusiastic, loving support. Later she wants to eat some ice cream. The angry woodworking actor doesn't eat ice cream. Future conflicts over body issues are heavily foreshadowed.

"If you don't like ice cream, what do you like?" Laurie Simmons' daughter asks him.

"I like you," he responds. Awww.

It bears noting that the angry woodworking actor, heretofore portrayed on the television program Girls as a feral, caustic, perverted narcissist, has been transformed into a male Zooey Deschanel—a Manic Pixie Dream Guy full of lovable quirks and eccentricities crying out to be domesticated and tamed by our heroine.

The angry woodworking artist's phone rings. "Yo skank where you at? Gettin that pussy pounded?" he answers. Brian Williams' daughter and Laurie Simmons' daughter look at him. "It's my sister," he says. Awww.

The Drummer for Bad Company's daughter comes over to hang out with Brian Williams' daughter. The Drummer for Bad Company's daughter just lost her nanny gig on account of refusing to sleep with her boss. They complain about Laurie Simmons' daughter, who doesn't seem to have time for them or their troubles now that she has a Manic Pixie Dream Guy to keep her occupied. She never washes her forehead, they say.

The Drummer for Bad Company's daughter and Brian Williams' daughter haven't been very close before. The Drummer fo Bad Company's daughter admits that this is in part due to the fact that Brian Williams' daughter is so UPTIGHT BECAUSE SHE'S NEVER BEEN FUCKED MANFULLY AND UNTIL RECENTLY HAD A LONGTIME BOYFRIEND WHO DIDN'T HAVE A PENIS.

"That's not fun for me," Brian Williams' daughter says of being UPTIGHT. "No one ever asks me to get like friendship tattoos or whatever." As soon as Brian Williams' daughter gets a good manly fucking, she'll be getting more friendship tattoo invites than she'll know what to do with.

The angry woodworking boyfriend takes Laurie Simmons' daughter to the rehearsals for play he wrote.

"I'm really good at acting and writing," he tells her.

He performs a monologue about middle school, and girls, and masturbating. The play appears to be about his life experiences thus far. For those playing along at home: Girls is a television show about a 24-year-old girl who wants to write a book about herself and who is dating a 24(-ish?)-year-old Manic Pixie Dream Guy who is performing a play about himself. It is also a television show about the life of Laurie Simmons' daughter.

At the rehearsal, the angry woodworking boyfriend's collaborator and co-star Gavin takes the stage to join him in a scene set in a canoe at a summer camp. Gavin begins reciting his lines with hip-hop jargon and a self-consciously "urban" vocal style. The angry woodworking actor stops him, expressing puzzlement at the line reading.

"That's an easy joke," he says. "The wigger joke. Everybody laughs at the white guy doing a black voice." "Wigger" is a conflation of the word "white" and another word that happens to be Girls writer Lesley Arfin's favorite. Stay away from the "wigger jokes," kids.

The "wigger jokes" piss off the angry woodworking boyfriend so much that he abandons the project, leaving Gavin, who had invested $2,000 of his own money in the play, in a lurch. The angry woodworking boyfriend stalks off angrily. Laurie Simmons' daughter follows. Why don't you compromise with Gavin, she asks. Sometimes you have to compromise.

"Not on your art!" he says, uncompromisingly. As they cross the street, a car almost hits them. "Would you fucking watch it!", the angry woodworking boyfriend explodes, slapping the hood. "I'm walking with a fucking woman! Can't you see that you fucking cunt satchel?" Laurie Simmons' daughter is frightened. Cunt satchel.

The Drummer from Bad Company's daughter and Brian Williams' daughter dress up and go to a martini bar in Williamsburg for a girl's night. A douchebag buys them martinis. He's a venture capitalist, and wears a suit. He just moved to Williamsburg. "We welcome you to our borough," says Brian Williams' daughter. It is not their borough. The douchebag says he travels a lot. "I almost majored in international relations," Brian Williams' daughter says.

Laurie Simmons' daughter takes a shower. The angry woodworking boyfriend sneaks in and pees on her. She is not amused. After the pee shower, she urges the angry woodworking actor to reconsider pulling out of the play. "I would rather do nothing for the rest of my life than have my name attached to something that's mediocre," he says. "Your integrity is all that matters."

The douchebag invites the Drummer from Bad Company's daughter and Brian Williams' daughter back to his apartment. They accept. He lives in one of those douchebag elevator buildings in Williamsburg that all the douchebags live in. He is such a douchebag that he "mixes" or DJs or "mashes" or whatever. "I saw it on an episode of Entourage," he says. "Isn't it cool?" How clever of the Girls writing staff to reference another HBO show as a signifier of douchiness!

The Drummer from Bad Company's daughter and Brian Williams' daughter lie down together on the douchebag's living room carpet and begin making out. Why? Who knows. But rest assured that millions of 24-to-28-year-old girls, whose very existence had previously been effectively denied by the entertainment media establishment, were very grateful last night that HBO gave a platform to Laurie Simmons' daughter so that she could at long last explore stories—for us by us—about how 24-year-old girls dig making out with each other. There is literally nothing else like it on television. May she continue breaking down barriers. I bet you never saw chicks making out with each other on Entourage.

The douchebag wants in on the action, but the Drummer from Bad Company's daughter and Brian Williams' daughter ice him out. Brian Williams' daughter spills wine on his rug, which is worth $10,000. He gets angry. He says this:

Do you even know what it's like to work hard? I've been under a lot of pressure, my whole life to succeed. Daddy didn't buy me this rug. Or this apartment. Or this nose. That's not your nose. There's no way that's your fucking nose—there's no cartilege in the world that exquisite. So it kind of ticks me off when I come to Williamsburg after working hard all fucking day in the real world, and I see all these stupid little daddy's girls with their fucking bowler hats—what are you doing wearing a fucking bowler hat, you stupid—and then you come over and you flirt and flirt and flirt and flirt and kiss and kiss and listen to my amazing tunes, and drink my beautiful wine, and then spill it all over my gorgeous rug. And laugh about it.

HMMMMMM THE DOUCHEBAG, WHILE A DOUCHEBAG, SEEMS TO HAVE A POINT.

The angry woodworking boyfriend wakes up Laurie Simmons' daughter in the middle of the night. He drags her out on to the street. She is still kind of angry at him for peeing on her.

He takes her to the intersection where he called a driver a "cunt satchel." He has wheat-pasted posters saying "sorry" all over the wall at one streetcorner.

"Sorry I yelled at that car," he says. "I wish I could apoligize, but I don't know the driver, so I guess I'm going to have to feel bad about it forever unless he drives by again." Then he says he has changed his mind and will continue with his play. "I'll do it so you can watch it." Then he lifts a vintage portable stereo above his head with both arms and plays "In Your Eyes." Skrillex.

Watch this space for next week's recap of Girls.

Last week's Girls recap: 'Ghetto Defendant'

Image by Jim Cooke