Attention, Gourmands: Taco Bell Is Upscale Now

Hey guys, diners, everybody gather 'round please: change of plans for lunch today, and every day. Chipotle is OUT. Taco Bell's new "Cantina" menu is in. Because Taco Bell now has high quality upscale foohahahaha sorry, wait, hahahaha, wait. Sorry. I really tried to keep a straight face there.

The chain began testing the menu in January in Louisville, Ky., and Bakersfield, Calif., positioning it as more upscale and fresh, with ingredients such as black beans, "fire-roasted" corn salsa, cilantro rice, pico de gallo and citrus- and herb-marinated chicken that many consumers have come to associate with Chipotle. The Taco Bell prices, however, are lower. The menu will include a Cantina Burrito Bowl and the Cantina Burrito — both with veggie, steak or chicken options — priced under $5; similar items at Chipotle average around $8. The new menu will also include new sides, including chips and guacamole and black beans and rice, each for $1.49.

Fire roasted, eh? Right in an open flame? Now that is upscale. Haha, but let me check here, let me just look... yep, turns out this Cantina fare will still be prepared and served in a Taco Bell. You're gonna need to go into the Taco Bell and order this fancy food there, and then the fancy food will be made by the same workers in the same kitchen where they make the cheap shit. But, ahahaha, don't let that dissuade you; Taco Bell assures you that the Cantina burrito bowl will be much better than their regular shitty burritos. That shit is gross!

"The ads will also touch on Taco Bell's 'guarantee' — if 'consumers don't love it, Taco Bell will replace it,'" says Ad Age. But, wait, let me check here, let's see... yes, they'll replace it with more Taco Bell food. So. Keep pushing that burrito up the hill, Sisyphus.

¡Cantina es un bueno fiesta de muerte!

[Ad Age. Photo: Breanna Schulze/ Flickr]