Burger King Unveils Bacon Sundae That, Unbelievably, Did Not Already Exist at Burger King

The good-natured doofuses from that remedial nighttime math class you took sophomore year, Burger King, have unveiled summer's latest punch line: a sundae that is both filled and garnished with bacon: "The Bacon Sundae."

The Associated Press reports that the dessert will flop onto menus with a loud wet sludge this Thursday, June 14, and will be a beautiful, ephemeral summertime thing, like the flash of green that glows on a firefly's abdomen, available only until fall.

Here's how Burger King described the sundae in a press release:

The sweet and savory dessert features the rich and creamy vanilla BK® soft serve, drizzled with chocolate fudge, caramel and topped with bacon crumbles, complete with a thick-cut, hardwood smoked bacon garnish.

The sundae has 510 calories, 18 grams of fat, 61 grams of sugar, and 100 grams of BEIN' GROWN and DOIN' WHAT I WANT.

Some suggest the new Bacon Sundae is Burger King's flailing attempt to think outside the bun, and capitalize on the ludicrous success of Taco Bell's Doritos Locos Taco, an unholy abomination (and "platform for future flavors like Cool Ranch") that recently passed the 100 million sold mark.

However, there are two things the new BK® Bacon Sundae lacks in comparison to the Virgen María de los Dolores Locos Taco. One of them is a shell made of Nacho Cheese Doritos® Chips. The other is a hilarious and inscrutable name.

There's no mystery to the Bacon Sundae. There's no ambiguity or casual suggestion of insanity. Even though sweet potato fries are also available on the BK® summer menu for a limited time, there are none stuffed inside of the sundae – why?

Half the fun of discussing the Doritos Locos Taco is letting those sensuous Spanish/vaguely Spanish syllables merengue forth, the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth: do-ree-tos, and allowing yourself to be transported to a small coastal town where lapis waves crash against jagged cliffs; where fisherman eat only what they have caught or bought at the gas station that day; where you don't have to be "locos" to work here, but it helps. ;)

To rectify the situation, here are some branding suggestions I came up with on the fly for Burger King to use, in an incredible Don Draper pitches the Kodak Carousel-type moment:

  • Bacon Locos Sundae
  • Bacon Inception Sundae
  • Bacon Bedlam Sundae
  • A Sundae Afternoon on the Bacon of La Grand Jatte
  • Dogs Don't Know It's Not Bacon Sundae
  • Doritos Locos Taco Bacon Sundae

On a final note, those wondering from whence The Bacon Sundae came will no doubt find themselves both awed and perplexed by its curious provenance. According to the company press release, prior to its nation-wide invasion, the dessert quietly "took Nashville, TN by storm earlier this year."

There were no survivors.

[Associated Press // Image via AP/Burger King]