No dis-R-E-S-P-E-C-T intended, but Aretha Franklin needs to learn how to be cool at a party. TMZ is reporting that she was both the first guest to arrive at and the first to leave Sarah Jessica Parker's $40,000-a-head Barack Obama fundraising dinner Thursday night.
That's straight-up nerd behavior. That's no way to be cool.
What do you think Aretha Franklin and Parker's husband Matthew Broderick talked about while they waited for the other guests to arrive? [EDIT: Turns out Matthew Broderick had to work on Broadway and was absent—good call on the scheduling, SJP; I wouldn't have invited him either—so consider all mentions of Matthew Broderick as taking place in an extended hypothetical.] Do you think he asked her nervous questions and that she just ignored him and looked around the room—lips pursed; eyebrows raised—in queenly silence?
Despite arriving at the uncool time of "first," Franklin did do one thing right: she bounced from the event after only twenty minutes (which, as TMZ notes with five exclamation points, means she paid $2,000 a minute to bask in the pallid glow of Matthew Broderick). [EDIT: Do you think the reason she left so abruptly was because Matthew Broderick wasn't there? When Aretha pays for Matthew Broderick, Aretha demands Matthew Broderick?]
This is a big diva move and an excellent pro-tip for being cool:
No matter how great the party you are attending (and it's probably hard to top a private dinner with Anna Wintour and the President of the United States), it is very important to let everyone there know you have better things to do.
Normally just yelling "This isn't even my main thing tonight," at a particularly fun moment (right after the birthday candles are blown out, for instance) will suffice. If you really want to make a scene though, leaving extremely early is a good way to do it.
Just make sure you do leave very, very, unbelievably early. If you hang around too long before bouncing, you look like you left because you were tired, not because you were rude — and that's the goal here.
For bonus points, say "I've got to run and get dressed for a party," as you hug your host goodbye.
On her way out, Franklin described the food to TMZ :
"Chicken with a mustard sauce, diced tomatoes and a lot of relishes on the side of the plate."
Do you think Sarah Jessica Parker fretted and fretted over the menu before convincing herself (incorrectly) that, since Obama probably eats fancy food all the time, what he'd really enjoy is her famous "Chicken a la Mustard with a lot of relishes on the side"?
Do you think the actual dish was something unconscionably elaborate and that Parker will crinkle her eyes (and hands) and scrunch her face and let out an adorable embarrassed squeak when she rehashes Franklin's low-ball description of the menu at brunch with her three best gal pals tomorrow?
Is Aretha Franklin mean girl-ing Sarah Jessica Parker?
Is she, in fact, not not-cool, but rather: The Coolest?
Earlier Thursday evening, TMZ noted that Jason Sudeikis was spotted hanging around the Brodericks' home as celebrities arrived, though he did not go inside. Apparently he lives in the area and was just being nosy.
Jason Sudeikis doesn't know how to play it cool either.