On the season finale of of The Jennifer Love Hewitt Handjob Hour The Client List, Love's character Riley attacked no purple-headed warriors. Rather, she did the mental masturbation thing she's fallen into with her clients, rubbing their egos and soothing their insecurities as opposed to, you know, manipulating their dicks to orgasm. Paul Dooley, the guy who played the dad in Sixteen Candles, stopped by for a legit stroke but immediately died on the table. There's the rub, you could say if you wanted to be stupid about it. Then, Betty White, playing his wife, showed up and got excited that her husband was dead because he was terrible and she's had a lover forever anyway who apparently gives great oral sex. Betty White saying, "The things that man can do with his tongue!" would have been The Client List's greatest gift if it were two years ago and we weren't yet sick to death of Betty White.

The Client List ended with the police looking for Riley, but I'm not exactly sure why because when she wasn't jerking people off, I barely paid attention. This show tricked me like a trick. It seduced me with handjobs and then talked and talked. I never cared about about Riley's financial woes or the stupid love triangle that's forming between her, her husband and his brother. We're not going to get an incestuous threeway, so what's the point? So much for my happy ending.

I'll watch The Client List when it returns for its second season, but listen here, show: next time around let's have less yackin' and more jackin'.