Dear Sweden: What The Hell Are You Putting On Your Pizza?

As an American I though I'd grown jaded to bizarre pizza toppings. After all, I've seen my compatriots create such abominations as the cheeseburger crust pizza, the breakfast pizza and the Oreo pizza. So it is a testament to Swedes' twisted imagination that Swedish pizzas makes me wonder what they're putting in the Fjords up there.

Swedish native Johan Kugelberg has an article on the Huffington Post detailing what he calls the "deeply fucked surreal and counter-intuitive culinary splendor" of Sweden's pizza scene. He got the deeply fucked part right, at least.

Here are five of the recipes he lists, which are allegedly served at real restaurants in Sweden, and are not pages ripped from an acid head's sweat-dampened dream journal:

Tomato sauce!
Cheese!
Chicken!
Wild Mushrooms!
Raisins!
Peanuts!
Banana!
Curry!

(that would be Pizza Hajk from Pizzeria Värmland in Orebro)

Tomato sauce!
Cheese!
Canned Fruit Cocktail!
Chocolate!

(that would be Pizza Fruit from Pizzeria Mini Mac in Gothenburg)

Tomato sauce!
Cheese!
Swedish Meatballs!
Kebabmeat!
Onions!
Bell Peppers!
Bearnaise Sauce!
Salami!

(that would be Pizza Eriksson from Pizzeria Kronoparken in Karlstad)

Tomato sauce!
Cheese!
Duck!
Chanterelles!
Black Currants!
Honey!

(that would be Pizza A La Duck from Pizzeria Bosporen in Leksand)

Tomato sauce!
Cheese!
Pork Tenderloin!
Shrimp!
Gorgonzola!
Pineapple!
Curry!

(that would be Pizza Chicago from Pizzeria Alfågeln in Waxholm)

And if that's not enough, another Twitter user alleges they put coleslaw on pizza in Sweden. Coleslaw? This is no longer pizza. This is demon pizza. Like if the Hellmouth opened up and you peeked in, you'd see Satan and his mini devils in a booth in Hell Pizza Kitchen furiously shoveling coleslaw onto pizza topped with bits of human flesh.

The strangeness of Swedish Pizza is a well-known phenomenon. This could explain the official Sweden twitter account's recent strange behavior. When pizza has cheese and chocolate on it, accepted rules of logic no longer apply. The U.N. needs to airlift some normal sausage pizzas into Stockholm before the entire country goes insane.

[via William Gibson/Twitter, Image of kebab pizza via Per Ola Wiberg/Flickr]