America's women, once famed the world over for their purity and tended lovingly by husbands in their kitchens to preserve their precious virtue, are now little more than a gaggle of slatternly harlots, screeching for ever-shorter shorts in a neverending quest to expose greater and greater quantities of naked flesh on their soft, supple upper thighs.
Will this "race to the bottom" not stop until it hits The Female Bottom?
Holy throbbing news organ USA Today, ever vigilant for the evils of sexuality that might distract you from your mission to one day become an angel in heaven, reports that the "teeny hems" of sex-inducing "short shorts" are all the rage for our nation's young women this summer, as they seek to copy the nymphomaniacal outerwear choices of the floozies that populate the liberal media, in these sad times in which we live, when even an animated Disney princess can easily be mistaken for an "exotic dancer." The end, it appears, is drawing closer:
And yes, "they're definitely getting shorter," says Cosmopolitan fashion director Michelle McCool. Which means the hottest hot pants are skirting the bounds of taste. Miley Cyrus' dimunitive Daisy Dukes from last week? The white ones worn with a crop top and without evidence of underwear?
What demon has wended its way into our young women's minds and seduced them into casting aside their chastity belts and their underwear in order to "let it all hang out?" Does no one remember the Tailhook Scandal, and its lessons about the dangers of allowing every vamp and trollop to "strut her stuff" in a way that renders men powerless to resist their basest urges?
Gentle women, only you can help your more responsible countrymen determine just how far this dangerous trend will go. Mid thigh? Upper thigh? The gently curving crest of your buttocks? Even further? We urge you to post a picture of you wearing your shortest short shorts, and then post another picture wearing those short shorts cut off to the shocking level that the "pop culture" icons of the day have indoctrinated you to desire. And maybe a couple face shots. These will be forwarded to the proper authorities.
Together, we can beat this thing.
[USA Today. Photo: Getty]