As the 2012 presidential election approaches, pundits are talking a whole lot of game about civil rights, the economy, and (big one coming up Thursday) healthcare. Meanwhile, the American people care about one issue and one issue only:
Which candidate will protect us and our gold from aliens?
The definitive answer, according to a new National Geographic poll: Barack Obama.
Apparently, even aliens would find Mitt Romney alienating.
USA Today reports that the poll was commissioned for the National Geographic Channel's series Chasing UFOs, which premieres this Friday and will be fun to watch if you ever find yourself at home in the middle of the day and Bravo is all re-runs and you're too scared to watch a show about hunting ghosts.
Other questions in the poll revealed that Americans are noncommittal (36% said UFOs exist, while 48% aren't sure), paranoid (79% think it's possible the government has concealed information about UFOs from the public), and stupidstupidstupid (22% would attempt to befriend an alien if they met one; 2% would attempt to inflict bodily harm).
In spite of all that, they are our countrymen (or will be once alien overlords have enslaved us all, rendering national borders obsolete), so let's analyze the decision-making process that could lead people to favor Obama's leadership over Romney's in an alien invasion crisis.
- Barack Obama is friends with Will Smith, perhaps America's most decorated alien-fighting veteran.
- When questioned by a famous child about the existence of aliens (Will Smith's son, Jaden), Barack Obama was suspiciously cagey, suggesting perhaps he has a greater knowledge of extraterrestrials than the general public.
- Barack Obama is tall and slim, like an alien, which could cause the invaders to feel a natural affinity toward him.
- Barack Obama grew up in Hawaii, home to several of the world's major astronomical research facilities. Illuminati.
- Barack Obama says swears (NSFW), which is a cool thing to do and aliens would probably appreciate it.
- Mitt Romney is an alien, badum-cha.