A young man was arrested and charged with larceny outside Detroit Tuesday after he attended a party thrown by the teenaged daughter of Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Bob Seger, whose work you recognize from Tom Cruise's underwear.
According to CBS Detroit, authorities report that Thompson confessed to stealing some cash, a Rolex, and, for whatever reason, a pair of sneakers autographed by Shaquille O'Neal.
(What do you think he was planning on doing with the sneakers? Wearing them, regardless of size? Signing them himself and sending them back to Shaquille O'Neal, like a penpal thing? Displaying them in his home and telling people they were a different pair of Shaquille O'Neal autographed sneakers than the one recently misplaced by the Seger family? Selling them on eBay? What's the market value?)
The biggest theft from the party, though, was that of a 1978 Gibson Les Paul guitar featured on Seger's "Greatest Hits" album. Thompson claims to have had nothing to do with the guitar's disappearance, though Orchard Lake Detective Darrell Betts notes that it "mysteriously showed up [on the Segers' property] right after I talked to him."
In light of this clown's major party faux-pas, here is a quick list of Dos and Don'ts that will make you the most popular guest on the block. Or, anyway, the most non-charged-with-a-felony guest on the block.
DO RSVP in a timely manner so that your host can get a proper headcount. The police report that the party was an intimate affair held with the Seger parents' approval. Thompson was a longtime friend of the family.
DO NOT show up empty handed. Your awesome personality does not count as a gift because there's no way for your host to exchange it.
DO leave empty handed. Do not rob your host.
DO NOT delude yourself into thinking you can get more than a grand for a pair of Shaquille O'Neal signed sneakers on eBay in this economy.
DO say goodbye to your host face to face before leaving. It's polite.
DO NOT break back in through an unlocked door after the party is over, which is apparently what Thompson did, to steal things. It's impolite.
Also, do not commit any other felonies while at the party.
Now it's a party.