Newser picked up on a story Thursday from a suburb just outside of New Orleans, where a young bottlenose dolphin displaced by Hurricane Katrina has turned a local canal into his personal bachelor pad.
At first, everyone in the Lakeshore Estates subdivision was super excited to have a dolphin in town. He was thrilled to be there too, or, anyway, he kept smiling at everyone like he was having a great time.
But now this asshole keeps biting people.
While signs have been erected around the canal instructing people to stay at least 50 feet away from the dolphin at all times, this order stands in direct opposition to humans' overwhelming compulsion to immediately cling to and bond with any dolphin in the vicinity in order to glean from it the secrets of the sea.
The dolphin has attacked three times so far, but it seems that no matter how many times this wild animal bites residents, people still can't help thinking he's a nice guy who really likes them. Just look at the way he's always smiling.
In an interview with the King5 news station about the dangers of interacting with the dolphin, Lakeshore Estates Homeowners Association manager Durel Landry compared him to a friendly dog, a statement that will surely make people less likely to go up and try to play with him.
"He's like a friendly neighborhood dog, but the dog will bite."
1. Is a dog that bites people really "a friendly neighborhood dog"?
2. Are "friendly neighborhood dogs" even a thing?
"Excuse me, ma'am, is that your dog off its leash?"
"Why, no, that's NoNameDog, our friendly neighborhood dog. He belongs to everyone and no one. He's very friendly but he also bites."
Officials are reluctant to move the dolphin, because they say he could die during the relocation. (Even if he survived, they speculate he would just swim right back to the canal over which he now retains squatter's rights.)
For now, marine specialists must content themselves to meet with local residents and instruct them on how best to get along with their friendly neighborhood dog.