How to Get Around Massachusetts' Anti-American Sparkler BanS

Malia Obama turns 14 this Wednesday, and Barack Obama has declared a United States federal holiday to celebrate the occasion.

For the past 235 years, Americans across America have commemorated the birth of the elder Obama daughter via the detonation of all manner of flaming explodables.

Unfortunately, in recent decades, a small group of unAmerican "Americans" have begun speaking out about the perceived dangers of such sparking, sparkling acts of patriotism.

(This great video from the National Fire Prevention Association, for instance, shows how firecrackers can make your children completely explode.)

Now citizens in some of America's oldest and best-loved states and New Jersey (Delaware, Massachusetts, New York, and New Jersey)—territories whose earth has long born the scorch marks of Jumbo Crackling Ground Bloom Flowers—are being forced to pass their long summer evenings in firecracker-less prisons.

But for how much longer?

CBS Boston reports that Marty Lamb, a Republican candidate for state representative of Massachusetts, has called for a ban on his commonwealth's ban on sparklers, labeling the draconian fire-stick policy not only un-American, but actively "anti-American."

And, even when he's focused on fireworks, Lamb is also thinking about jobs, because he's a super thoughtful guy and would probably make a great state representative unless you hate fireworks and jobs:

"I'm looking at jobs, the lack of jobs, and over-regulation, and [the ban on sparklers] is just a prime example of overregulation."

Meanwhile, Lamb's hometown fire chief, Michael Cassidy (whose hatred for America burns hotter than the 1200 degree tip of a sparkler) continues to root for a return to British rule, explaining to CBS that the flaming death wands are "a severe safety concern."

Until the ban on Malia Obama's birthday combustibles has been lifted, millions of Americans will have to make due with improvised versions.

Here are some suggestions of how to prove your love of God and country and Malia with fire if you live in a place where sparklers are banned:

  • Glue some tinsel onto the end of a stick and shake the stick around very fast
  • Glue some tinsel onto the end of a stick and light that tinsel on fire and shake the stick around very fast
  • Light a match and walk around with it very carefully so that it does not go out
  • Wave a flashlight in your loved ones' faces
  • Wave a fleshlight in your loved ones' faces
  • Place your cellphone on the ground and press a button so that the screen lights up; give it a kick to send it skittering across the yard in a flash of patriotic glory
  • Smash a commemorative Will & Kate wedding plate into a thousand tiny pieces and throw them in the air while stomping on bubble wrap
  • Hold a lit taper candle (the most solemn sparkler) in your outstretched arm
  • Blow bubbles but make them have fire inside
  • [WBZ-TV // American Pyrotechnics Association // Image via Hadrian for Shutterstock]