Michael Phelps Is America’s Laziest Citizen

Swimmer and lazy person Michael Phelps announced Monday that he has dropped the 200-meter freestyle race from his London Olympic program, bringing his slate of events for the 2012 games down to a paltry seven.

This means that, even if Phelps places first in every one of his remaining races (four individual competitions, plus three relays), he will not equal his record eight gold medal-winning performance at the 2008 Beijing Games.

It seems the goal of those Olympics—to bestow upon America a mantle of golden glory—has been dropped in favor of a new cool idea: just getting out there and dicking around.

"Four years ago," [Phelps said] "we were trying to literally do everything. That was what we wanted to do, but at this point it's 'Let's go out, let's have some fun, let's relax a little bit.' "

Welcome to the barefoot Jack Johnson beach song that is Michael Phelps' life.

Phelps' coach Bob Bowman defended his lazy no good sonofabitch athlete's decision to downscale his program to seven events by arguing that performing eight simple tasks is an unconscionably trying task for a human being in peak physical condition:

"No one should be expected to do that twice. Once was more than enough. Trust me. It was."

The silver lining to Phelps' indolence: the infinitely more adorable Ricky Berens, who placed third in the 200-meter freestyle trials, will now get to race in his place.

[NYT // Image via Getty]