For those of you who have missed him, America's favorite pizza guy Herman Cain is back— in exactly the way you'd expect him to be. Cain launched his new online channel, CainTV, patriotically on July 4th (for an apt sampling, check out this trailer).
The site's tagline is: "Something for ALL PEOPLE!" which is pretty accurate if you're a person living in 1920's Mississippi. A sampling of shows includes: "Kivi-Make Fun of Everybody," in which stand-up comedian Kivi Rogers kills future job prospects while telling racist jokes that died in your grandmother's generation; "Good News News-Cancer," in which Cain tells you that you can overcome cancer by "your attitude, general health, and determination;" and "Rodney on Tap," which boasts the angry ramblings of a toad wearing a felt hat.
CainTV looks like it's off to a promising start—but it could use a little boost.
Here are 5 other shows that we think would be a good fit for CainTV:
- Womanless Moments in History: An expansion of the site's "Moments in History" series, here we witness proud moments in history...completely devoid of women. Think the signing of the Declaration of Independence or the invention of the lightbulb-really, the list goes on! The show reflects on how significant our American men-centric accomplishments really were. The series culminates with a montage of catastrophic events, like 9/11, that could only have occurred in our dark post-women-having-some-power world.
- Ask A White Minority: This educational series debunks the myth that only non-white men are minorities in America. Herman interviews a different nameless, marginalized white man every week, including the Buff Old White Man, the White Man With No White Friends, the White Man In An Interracial Polyamorous Bisexual Relationship With A Black Woman And Her Pack of Rabid Mice, and the never before seen White Man Who is Not White And Also Not A Man.
- CainCam: Thanks to an embedded camera, for the first time in history you'll be able to see the world the way Hermain Cain sees it. Through the gelatinous casing of his lower right intestinal tract.
- Now THAT'S a Bad Idea!: An ever-zealous Herman Cain is videoedited into pivotal scenes in recent American history, exclaiming, "Now THAT'S a Bad Idea!" Bad Idea! moments include Sandra Fluke's speech to Congress, the passing of Obamacare, and the day Monica Lewinsky was born.
- Patriotic Pornos: Patriotic and inspirational Herman Cain rhetoric dubbed over soft-core porn. Patriotic Pornos include America's Buttholes: Gotta Poke ‘Em All, Freedongs for All, and the blueball-inducing XXX video— Train's Drops of Jupiter dubbed over Cain's salacious pedosmile.
Do YOU have any ideas for CainTV? Tell us in the comments.
[Image via Getty]