On Tuesday Brad Pitt's hometown paper published a hyper conservative letter-to-the-editor from his mom that stopped just short of identifying Barack Hussein Obama as a Muslim terrorist. Now his close personal friends (everyone on the Internet) cannot stop gossiping about it.
Normally if one of your parents' letters-to-the-editor is published in your hometown newspaper, it's cause for a little celebration.
"Tell your mom I read her column," says the mailman, incorrectly identifying a letter to the editor as a column. "Looks like you're not the only journalist in the family," your father teases, incorrectly identifying you, a part-time freelance DIY fashion blogger, as a journalist. "Free refills for our local celebrity," the overly familiar waiter at a restaurant that always has free refills anyway promises.
This was not the case with Brad Pitt. To take his mind off the debacle while he sits at home suffering Angela Chase-levels of dramatic mortification, we at Gawker have assembled a small gift basket of Schadenfreude.
Angelina Jolie's Dad Calls Her Daughter ‘Shakira'
In 2002, Angelina Jolie became estranged from her father, actor Jon Voight, after he publicly accused her of having "serious mental problems." Four years later, Voight decided to send some grandfatherly well-wishes to his daughter's children. He started off strong with birthday wishes for Maddox, but things went downhill fast when he accidentally professed his love for Latin superstar Shakira instead of Jolie's daughter Zahara.
"Happy birthday, Maddox! Five years old. That's a big one. Five years old. You're getting to be a young man. And I send my love to you and I send my love to, uh, Shakira and, uh, Sha-Sha-heera, is it Shee-ra, Shahira?" - Jon Voight
Miley Cyrus' Dad Blames Satan for Her Bong Hits
In an interview for a 2011 GQ profile titled "Mr. Montana's Achy Broken Heart," Billy Ray Cyrus told writer Chris Heath his family was under attack by Satan. Recent Cyrus mishaps for which Satan was directly responsible, according to Billy Ray: Miley and her father's partially nude Vanity Fair spread, Miley's poledancing performance at the 2008 Teen Choice Awards, Miley's stoner performance in a then just-released video in which she was seen smoking "salvia" out of a bong.
"No doubt. There's no doubt about it." - Billy Ray Cyrus, on whether his family is under attack by Satan.
Audrina Patridge's Mom Is the Drunkest Woman in the World
In a video shot just after her daughter was eliminated from Dancing With the Stars, Audrina Patridge's mother unleashed a seemingly endless drunken tirade against haters, fuckers, and, "those Hills tramps" (specifically "that bitch Lauren Conrad"). An embarrassed friend can be seen trying in vain to coax Lynn Patridge from the camera's inviting spotlight for the duration of the clip, but the Patridge family matriarch will not be silenced until she has wished each and every one of you babies watching a "Happyyyyy America!"
"[Audrina]'s a Polish-Catholic fuckin' full-on eye-talian; not only THAT..." - Lynn Patridge
Rihanna's Dad Says She Is Fat, Chris Brown Is Nice
In a 2012 interview with Heat Magazine, Rihanna's father Ronald Fenty offered plenty of helpful life advice for his daughter, Robyn, noting that she is prone to becoming "a little fat" and suggesting he would welcome a romantic reconciliation between her and Chris Brown, whom he praised as "a nice guy." Rihanna and her father did not speak from 2008-2010.
"I actually thought she was a little fat the last time I saw her." - Ronald Fenty
Jessica Simpson's Dad Boasts about His Daughter's Double D's
In 2004, Joe Simpson, the man who spent all three seasons of Newlyweds fucking Jessica Simpson vicariously through Nick Lachey, waxed poetic about his daughter's ah-OO-gas to GQ:
"Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!" - Joe Simpson
Leighton Meester's Mom Sues Her So She Can Buy Hair Extensions
Like her Gossip Girl character Blair Waldorf, Leighton Meester was born while her mother was serving federal prison time for drug trafficking. In 2011, Leighton sued her mother, claiming Constance Meester had used the $7,500/month Leighton sent to help cover her younger brother's medical expenses to pay for own cosmetic surgery and hair extensions.
Constance responded by arguing that she and Leighton had an oral agreement by which her daughter was obligated to send her $10,000 per month for the rest of her life, and countersuing for $3 million. In June of 2012, a judge ruled that Leighton did not have to pay her mother and that her marriage to the handsome-yet-nefarious Prince Louis of Monaco was invalid.
"XOXO" - Gossip Girl
Reese Witherspoon's Mom Sues Reese Witherspoon's Dad for the Old Timey Sin of Bigamy
In May 2012, Reese Witherspoon's mother, Betty, sued the actress' father, John, for practicing bigamy. John Witherspoon said he didn't remember marrying his second wife, Tricianne Taylor, implying that bitch is boe-ring. Prior to the suit, Taylor was denied access to the Reese Witherspoon's wedding because she was not on the guest list.
"When I confronted my husband, he said he didn't know who Tricianne Taylor was and that he did not remember getting married." - Betty Witherspoon
Winston Churchill's Mom Offers to Buy Him a Pony If He'll Stop Smoking Cigars
Churchill did not stop smoking cigars, because what grown man needs a pony?
"If you knew how foolish & how silly you look doing it you would give it up, at least for a few years." - Jennie Churchill
David Archuleta's Dad Is Banned from American Idol Rehearsals for Being Annoying
In 2008, producers banned the father of 17-year-old American Idol hopeful David Archuleta from show rehearsals after his backstage meddling became too much to bear. The final straw was reportedly Jeff Archuleta's insistence that his son include a line from Sean Kingston's "Beautiful Girls" in a performance of "Stand by Me," thereby incurring an additional song rights expense for the show. Without the heavy-handed guidance of his oppressive stage father, David Archuleta did not win the competition. Jeff Archuleta was later arrested for soliciting a prostitute.
"There was absolutely no truth in any of the stories about me yelling at David, making him cry, or withholding water from him." - Jeff Archuleta
Lindsay Lohan's Parents Exist and Are Terrible, Always
[Artwork by Jim Cooke with Photo via Getty. Images via Getty and AP]