Is there any huge corporation too evil to engage in the production and marketing of yogurt, America's new crack cocaine? It appears that the answer is "no," as PepsiCo is now joining the yogurt fray, already occupied by a rogue's gallery of multinational players, Greek and otherwise. How much disinformation and propaganda must the "mainstream media" disseminate before the yogurt wars come to an end?
The New York Times, well-known propagandist for Big Yogurt, breathlessly reports that PepsiCo is throwing its hat in the yogurt ring, via a joint venture with "Muller," a kind of yogurt I have never even heard of. Soon, this PepsiMuller yogurt concern will "churn out five billion cups of yogurt a year," which will presumably then be aggressively marketed to you, the consumer, as if they were some sort of normal yogurt, and not some weird European yogurt I've never even heard of which is probably made from goat milk or some other "Continental" fad of the moment. "The goal with Müller by Quaker is to add fun to yogurt, which Americans have regarded as a dutiful but not delicious snack," lies the New York Times in one of the more blatant examples of journalistic malfeasance at that tainted institution since the heyday of Jayson Blair.
Add fun to yogurt? I guess the NYT-Pepsico-Europe consortium has never tipped the honey side of the Fage into the yogurt side of the Fage and then eaten the resulting mixture with an expression of glee. News flash, Big Yogurt And Its Spokespersons: yogurt is already fun. Must we be flooded by billions of cups of weird foreign (not the good kind of foreign (Greek)) yogurt in order to confirm what we already know? Perhaps if PepsiCo finds yogurt insufficiently fun they should just go ahead and incorporate the average cup of Dannon into their lovemaking routines? Perhaps then these Big Yogurt interlopers would be forced to change their slanderous marketing slogans? The catalogue of brash outrages in this story is virtually endless, but allow us to present you with just one:
Müller by Quaker also seeks to address one of the biggest consumer complaints about yogurt: its texture. Consumers find Greek yogurts dry and chalky, while conventional yogurt is seen as watery and tasteless.
Anyone who has a problem with the texture of yogurt should go ahead and move to Europe if they hate American yogurt texture so much, say American consumers in one strong and unified voice.
Yogurt is fun, buy yogurt, have sex with yogurt, but be safe out there, America. We don't want this yogurt thing to get weird.