Now that the Cruise/Holmes divorce saga has wrapped up without much fuss, all of us who had looked forward to filling our silences with discussions of its minutiae over the next several months are left scrambling.
Luckily, an obscure British tabloid called Now Daily is pretending a close personal friend of Katie Holmes recently revealed to them that Holmes is planning to change her daughter's first and last names.
Now reports that Katie "hates" the name Suri and has taken to calling her "Scout," after the To Kill a Mockingbird character named for one of Demi Moore's daughters. She also apparently wants to give Suri "Cruise" as a middle name and change her surname to "Holmes."
Scout Cruise Holmes.
Nah, girl. We can do better.
For one thing, "Suri" means "pickpocket" in Japanese (also "red rose" in Persian and "princess" in Hebrew, according to the Cruise family's statement released after her birth; Hebrew scholars said that last part wasn't true), so maybe consider changing her name to "Pickpocket" to preserve some of the original spirit?
Pickpocket's a cute name for a little girl or an anthropomorphic squirrel baby or a Borrower.
"Pickpocket wants to eat cupcakes for dinner. You can't have cupcakes for dinner, Pickpocket."
Punchy and sweet.
The Spanish word for "pickpocket" is "carterista," which has a nice euphony to it, especially when paired with Cruise.
Carterista Cruise, pickpocket extraordinaire.
Unfortunately, "Carterista Holmes" sounds less good. The side-by-side /a/ and /h/ sounds sort of smudge together.
Continuing with the To Kill A Mockingbird theme, Katie might also consider: Boo, Atticus, Abacus (so similar), Chifforobe, or Bildungsroman.
Boo Cruise Holmes. Sounds like Booze Cruise Holmes. That's now a frontrunner.
Real Housewife of New York Aviva Drescher changed her son's name from Brandon to Hudson when he was 4 months old, meaning there's a spare "Brandon" up for grabs at the moment.
"Brandon Holmes" doesn't sound bad except for the fact that "Brandon" sounds bad.
Anyway, let's use this time to throw around some name suggestions for The Child of Cruise. No wrong answers in a brainstorm. Explore the dark recesses of your mind-mines and see what natural resources you extract.