The United States Olympic Committee officially unveiled its 530-athlete roster for the London this week. Wyoming, a mythical paradise where golden gods with rippling muscles run barefoot through grassy fields and gyms all day, is sending more athletes per capita to the Games than any other state, according to Time Magazine.
(California is sending the most athletes per state-a, with 128.)
Wyoming's two athletes represent nearly half of its 568,158 person population, so many of the state's businesses will be open only in a limited capacity for the duration of the games. Morning kindergarten is canceled. Public transit is operating on a Sunday schedule, which is to say: not at all.
One of the athletes is Jennifer Nichols, or, as she is known to every single resident of Wyoming, "My neighbor, Jennifer." She is an archer from Cheyenne. This is her third Olympics.
The other Wyomingite is Brett Newlin, a 6'9 monster of a man whose sleeping form is frequently mistaken for the mighty Teton mountain range. Newlin is a rower. His personal website BrettNewlin.com describes itself, threateningly, as "A site that does what it wants." Indeed, it seems the site has already chosen to rename itself "NewliNet" against the domain owner's wishes.
Six states—New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Dakota, South Dakota, South Carolina, and West Virginia—and the District of Columbia aren't sending any athletes at all to the Olympics, because their populations have no discernible skills or talents.
These slackers will be carried by Wyoming.