U.S. Olympic Team Outfits Not Made in the U.S. Because U.S. Olympic Team Hates the U.S.

Last week, Ralph Lauren, the official outfitter of the U.S. Olympic team, released the first images of the team's uniforms for the opening ceremonies of the 2012 games.

The first bout of the subsequent vitriol was reserved for how dumb the uniforms looked, with their sad fallen soufflé berets and their oversized Eurotrashy Ralph Lauren logos.

The second wave of anger crashing down all around us has focused on the fact that these uniforms weren't even manufactured in the United States, like so many of America's fine citizens; they were made in China.

United States of America of China, more like.

Americans of all political persuasions were aghast.

Republican House Speaker John Boehner was disappointed in the U.S. Olympic Committee, which is even worse than if he'd been mad at them.

"You'd think they'd know better."

Democrat House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi adopted the Paula Abdul tactic of cushioning her criticism with lots of ebullient praise:

"They work so hard. They represent the very best, and they're so excellent. It's all so beautiful. And they should be wearing uniforms that are made in America."

Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid loves fire.

"I am so upset. I think the Olympic committee should be ashamed of themselves. I think they should take all the uniforms, put them in a big pile and burn them and start all over again."

But to burn these garments—to treat them like Viking chieftains bound for Valhalla—would be to accord them more respect than they deserved.

Sadly, the only proper course of action (to somehow "unmake" the garments) is pursuable only through magic or technologies which have not yet come to be.

Even if we did somehow manage to destroy the vulgar things, what would our athletes wear?

They could perform nude, in a nod to ancient Olympic tradition, but then they wouldn't have any pockets.

A no-win scenario for a team destined for gold after gold.

After everyone got mad at them, Ralph Lauren vowed to manufacture the 2014 Olympic uniforms somewhere within the geographic confines of these United States:

"Ralph Lauren promises to lead the conversation within our industry and our government addressing the issue of increasing manufacturing in the United States and has committed to producing the Opening and Closing ceremony Team USA uniforms in the United States that will be worn for the 2014 Olympic Games."

But guess what, Ralph Lauren? Here in America we operate on Eastern Standard Time (or Central, Mountain, Pacific, Alaska, or Hawaii time, depending on where we live) and this tapdance is too little too late.

The time has come for Americans to decide for ourselves which textiles will cover our athlete's naughty bits.

And, of course, there is but one solution:

The 2014 games will be held in Sochi, Russia, so our athletes will want to wear socks. Specifically: American Apparel's wide stripe thigh-high socks in navy and red. Men will wear a boxy crop top. Women will go topless.

To save money, the lower half of the outfit will consist of one of the athlete's own bathing suit bottoms, style of their choosing (as long as cute), "U.S.-made only" clause relaxed because it can be really hard to find swimclothes or, indeed, any clothes, that were made in the U.S.

Then onward, to glory.

[Time // Image via Ralph Lauren/AP]