If you planned to open a bordello in or around an IKEA, where might you do it?

The bedroom department is a good choice. Lots of beds there, waiting to be soiled with your love. The area with all the light fixtures isn't bad either – very easy to set the mood in that section. But what if you wanted to combine the relative comfort of IKEA furniture with the inconvenience of exposure to the elements? Then you go behind the IKEA, where Brooklyn teenagers are running wild.

DNA Info reports that dirty, sexy, kids have taken over a 6.5 acre public park constructed on IKEA property when it opened its Red Hook, Brooklyn location in 2008.

And, according to one resident, the teens aren't just going behind IKEA to neck in the backseat of an old-timey convertible, like they used to do at Blind Lovers' Suicide Cliff Point.

They're inserting their fyndigs into one another's poängs and fůkig one another senseless.

"It's condom central. The lawn chairs are a bordello."

Worst of all, these teens of ill repute are operating their open-air bawdyhouse in an area frequented by child balloon enthusiasts:

"I have a 5-year-old who plays hide-and-go-seek over there. Around the chaise longues, there's condoms everywhere. You always have to be careful that they don't find any squishy balloons."

When asked what it was about the area behind IKEA that drew them to it in the first place, teens responded by praising its ambience, which hovers somewhere between Las Vegas and a zen garden. One girl described the park's blue and purple color-shifting lights as "beautiful, like a wedding thing." A boy added that he enjoys visiting the area behind IKEA because it is "peaceful, away from all the noise and commotion."

Informed of the young love taking shape (and "getting weird," to quote another teen) on store property, IKEA spokeswoman Lorna Montalvo said the company planned to increase security patrols of the area overnight.

The park officially closes at dusk. IKEA closes at 9. Bordello opens around 9:30, probably. First come, first served.

Where are the best bordellos (plein air or otherwise) in your neighborhood?

[DNA Info // Image via AP]