Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a new regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to email@example.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."
Is it okay to leave your significant other (SO) sleeping in your apartment if you have roommates, if your roommates aren't there?
There are two ways to handle this situation: The honest way and the not-technically-lying way.
If you want to go the honest route, it's unbelievable you found someone to date you because you have no guts and no sense of adventure. Here's how to do it:
First of all, you'll have to make sure your SO has not only met your roommates, but publicly contributed something of value to the apartment as a whole—e.g. baked goods, an emptied dishwasher, sexual favors, or a group outing to Color Me Mine.
The goal here is to make it less like your significant other is creeping around the apartment unattended and more like your roommates' own friend is creeping around the apartment unattended. If your SO plays his/her part well enough, eventually you'll be able to complain to your roommates that their friend keeps leaving dishes in the sink, using all the printer ink, and sleeping in your bed.
If your SO plays his/her part too well, look for a romance to blossom between him/her and one of your roommates. You just facilitated your own cuckolding, chump.
If you want to technically-not-lie to your roommates, that's very noble, because honesty is a virtue and technically-not-lying is approximately the same thing.
The beauty of this tactic is that it does not involve asking your roommates to accommodate your romantic needs, meaning they can't hold that giant favor over your head as a bargaining chip when it comes time to draw up the chore wheel or prorate the rent.
Here's how it works:
As long as you can guarantee your roommates will never be around when your SO is, you never have to ask their permission for him/her to hang around unattended. You don't even have to introduce your roommates to your SO. In fact, it's better if you don't because then, when one of them inevitably comes home from work early because they are ill or have scheduled an illicit afternoon tryst, your SO can pretend to be a burglar or ghost. No one will even think to ask if anyone gave a burglar/ghost permission to hang around the apartment unattended, so they'll never know you were technically not lying to them.
With this strategy, it is imperative that your SO disturb absolutely nothing in the apartment. Your bedroom is still fair game and will almost certainly be ransacked as your new paramour strives to learn things about you, like the brands of jeans you can afford and your favorite hiding places for money. The rest of the apartment, however, should be treated as sort of a virtual reality space, where objects can be seen but not interacted with.
Whichever method you choose, the golden rule of delayed guest exits is this: Never, ever let your guest still be hanging around when your roommates return home at the end of the day.
If your roommates have been apprised of the situation and know your SO, they'll feel stifled.
If you've gone the secret route, your roommates will probably be frightened to find a stranger living in their apartment.
Say you're walking down a street and another person is walking their dog. It's a big dog, kind of aggressive, but obviously not a wild dog or a werewolf or anything. If the dog breaks loose from its owner and begins to attack you, is it okay to kick or punch the dog without being a dick? Thanks.
If any dog, regardless of size, breaks loose from its owner and begins to attack you, that sonofabitch is not "kind of aggressive"; it is aggressive. You aren't a dick for kicking away a Chihuahua that was biting your ankle so hard it broke the skin, and you certainly aren't a dick for fighting back against the German Shepherd tearing at your throat—though, in all fairness, you shouldn't have been trying to burglarize that cocaine kingpin's Miami mansion anyway.
Having said that, it's pretty rare that a dog will move to that stage of relentless attacking. Even seemingly aggressive ones will likely be content to charge and bark at you, so long as they don't feel threatened. A good rule of thumb is to hold still and avoid eye contact if you sense a dog is moments away from wildin' out.
If a dog ever does viciously attack you out of the blue in the manner described above, there's probably something wrong with it. If that happens: do what you've gotta do. Go for the nose or eyes rather than the skull (that can be pretty thick) and, for God's sake, try to keep your face away from the dog's mouth.
Where dicks are made and... not made is in encounters with dogs that are "overly friendly" but not violent. We've all read Marmaduke; sometimes big dogs just want to sniff or play or sit on your furniture and use your electronics—ha ha, classic. Punching out every dog who jumps at your legs will quickly earn you a reputation as the neighborhood psycho. If, instead, you remain motionless rather than engaging with the dog, odds are it will realize pretty quickly what it takes humans a couple of dates to figure out: you are boring and not worth its time or energy.
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