Foolish Malls Think They Can Survive Somehow

Most humans possessing a first-grade education—including precocious preschoolers—are well aware that shopping malls, once a glassy symbol of American cultural homogeny, are as dead as MusicLand. Dead-dead. And those that are not dead are dying. And the ones that already died are coming back as anything but malls. Because malls are, you know, pretty much dead. EXCEPT for those brave malls being dragged into the future—in a quirky way, if necessary.

The NYT reports that a small but hardy group of mall executives who have not yet committed suicide or disappeared in order to avoid debtor's prison are doing some outside-of-the-box thinking about how to Make Malls Successful Or At Least Not Fully Bankrupt Again. The "big idea:" what if the mall was not just a retail location—but also an experience location?

Rick J. Caruso, the chief executive of Caruso Affiliated, developer of The Grove, an outdoor mall in Los Angeles, said the shift had shoppers rethinking what a mall could be. The Grove features a concierge and the filming of the entertainment show "Extra."

"It's not just about shopping - it's multidimensional; it's a place you can just hang out and go for a stroll," he said. "You're not doing that in a mall."

Mall walking. BOOM BITCH IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR DECADES AND THE SHIT STILL FAILED. BOOM.

The only malls that survive will be 100% brothels. Deal with it.

[NYT. Photo: Kimble Young/ Flickr]