The Best Thing About That Horrible Mommy Porn Book Is This ReviewS

We have written about 50 Shades of Grey. Our sister site, Jezebel, has written about 50 Shades of Grey. The Atlantic has written about 50 Shades of Grey. The New York Times has written about 50 Shades of Grey. Everyone has written about 50 Shades of Grey, ad nauseum.

Forget what you've read, and what you haven't read. Forget all of that, right now, and go read this.

This is a Goodreads review of the first book in E.L. James's polarizing trilogy, written by Katrina Lumsden, a 30-year-old photographer from Michigan. Lumsden brings the 50 Shades discussion down a notch, to its appropriate level, with what is one of the best uses of kitschy animated GIFs the internet has ever seen. "What in the hell just happened?" Lumsden begins. "Did I really read that? Oh, my god, I did. I did read that."

Her description of Christian Grey, the protagonist's well-endowed love interest:

Any time an author tries to sell me on a character's "charm" by waxing hormonal about how "ridiculously good-looking" he is, I snicker inwardly. I can't think why....

(Animated GIF of Derek Zoolander here)

But Lumsden balances her sarcasm—which by itself could get tiring—with bits of insight:

Now I'll be totally honest, the biggest issue I have with Fifty Shades of Shit is neither the sex nor the horrible writing. It's the plot. Thin as it is, it's still there. And its basic message is that, given enough time, you can change someone. While I don't have any problem with this if all you're trying to do is help them to lose weight or quit smoking, when you're talking about an emotionally and (dangerously close to) physically abusive relationship, sending that kind of message is both ridiculous and irresponsible.

For those who are short on time and tolerance for GIFs, you can scroll down to Lumsden's succinct summary at the end, which appears in the form of a word count: There are 457 occasions of characters whispering, murmuring, or muttering to each other, 101 utterances of the word "crap," and 58 mentions of Anastasia's "inner goddess" (by which she means "vagina").

The best part, though, is that you never even have to pick up the book.

[Goodreads. Image via Getty]