Jane Austen Novels to Get Erotic Makeover Because All Books Must Be Sexy Now

Who among us has not come away from reading a classic like Austen's Pride and Prejudice or Brontë's Wuthering Heights and been disappointed by the distinct lack of explosive sex scenes?

"Mr. Darcy is such a stuffy aristocrat," you thought, probably. "I wonder if he has a big ol' D and how hard Elizabeth Bennet would ride it if she knew?"

Now British e-book publisher Candestine Classics is releasing a series of erotically enhanced classic novels featuring all new "scorching" sex scenes inserted by modern day Austens, Brontës, and Sir Arthur Conan Doyles (smut writers) within the original text.

Among those timless classics being transformed into gimmicky classixxx: Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice, Sherlock Holmes ("What if Holmes and Watson had lots of explosive gay sex?"), and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

Claire Siemaszkiewicz, the woman responsible for Clandestine Classics, explains that her team is not distorting the original works, but merely adding the "missing" graphic sex and fetish scenes Jane Austen would have loved to include herself:

Whenever I read classics from authors like Jane Austen, I often think about the potential "uncensored versions" that the original authors were unable - or unwilling - to include... It's not our intention to rewrite or distort them but to create a whole new experience, enhancing the novels by adding deeper relationships, character development, and the "missing" scenes for readers to enjoy.

Many nerds have reacted poorly to the news that their favorite novels are being reimagined as glorified fan fiction, labeling the works "glorified fan fiction," and arguing that "any intelligent reader can pick up on [the original texts'] sexual tension without [it] being spelled out."

But these clowns need to make like Catherine from the newly improved Wuthering Heights and get laid, hard, BDSM-style, because this is a great idea. All books should include graphic sex scenes the original authors would have loved to include had societal pressures not forced them to quell their raging libidos (and that said, think of books written just a couple years ago whose authors are still alive and still TOO SCARED to include the cos-play sex scenes of their imagining). Think of it:

  • Children's books ("Good night room. Good night moon. Good night cow fucking the moon real hard from behind.").
  • Cook books ("Sift the dry ingredients over your lover's nipples.").
  • Books of maps ("Books of Places to Fuck").
  • What about the Bible?
  • Other works scheduled to be released in porn-e-book form include: Dracula, Treasure Island, The Three Musketeers and the Phantom of the Opera. Excerpts from several of the releases are available on the Clandestine Classics website. (Sample line from Jane Eyre's Mr. Rochester: "Now to rid you of these garments to properly redden your backside.")

    You can also get the original books for free since they're in the public domain and just make up your own sex scenes—like you did the first time you read them.

    [AP // Image via AP]