Some Say East River 'Pig' Lacks Pig Qualities And It Still Might Be A Monster So Now It's Okay to Scream

Just a couple hours ago we posted a story about how a washed-up varmint on the East River had some locals spooked, but then the New York City Parks department said it was just a damn pig carcass so everybody should just chill with the spooky otherworldly theories about the beast.

Animal was told pig. Gothamist said rat. Daily Intel says definitely not a fucking pig. Most in the no-pig camp point to the lack of cloven hooves on this creature, as did many people in the discussion on the previous post. We did not notice the feet at first and thought the hooves were merely hacked off by a butcher to better prepare the pig for its inevitable roasting. But, after closer inspection, it appears there are five toes with jagged nails, most likely used to tear open the bellies of Brooklyn children while they sleep.

As noted in the Daily Intel post, the Parks Department representative has either never seen a pig before in their ife or they're just trying to keep New York City's residents calm until they can figure out if there are more of these creatures lurking about the city. One editor at Gawker was a former employee at the New York City Parks Department and said that the organization is "not to be trusted" when it comes to washed-up monster identification. Just to be safe, please stay inside tonight until we can get a more accurate report on the possible dangers awaiting us.

UPDATE: NYC Parks Department still being cagey:

Some Say East River 'Pig' Lacks Pig Qualities And It Still Might Be A Monster So Now It's Okay to Scream