Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a new regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."
There was a guy at the theater in Aurora with his girlfriend, their four-month-old, and another little kid. Dude completely bolted when the shooter showed up. He left the girlfriend there (with the kids) to fend for herself, then proposed to her right after and she said yes. What was she thinking? The guy is completely unreliable. I'm wondering: Is it okay for a girlfriend to dump her boyfriend if he abandons her and two young children in a movie theater being shot up by a crazed gunman?
We can only debate these far-fetched hypotheticals as outsiders, separated by several thousand panes of glass from the reality of that night as experienced by those who lived it. That being said, it's in our nature to insert ourselves into these moments and try to predict how we would have reacted. We will never be able to predict that. But everyone's going to try anyway, so let's discuss.
I think a lot of people would sooner ask the question, "Is it okay for a girlfriend not to dump her boyfriend if he abandons her and her two young children in a movie theater being shot up by a crazed gunmen?" But, just as she's under no obligation to stay with the boyfriend because they both lived through the same tragedy, she's also not required to break up with him because he displayed some piss-poor decision-making.
Now, while it may not be one hundred percent fair to derive judgments or fears about a partner from that one isolated incident (which transpired under extraordinary circumstances), there's no reason not to explore the behavior in question.
It would seem, based on not only this man's decision to abandon his partner and their two young children in a moment of crisis, but also on the immediacy of his proposal of marriage thereafter (he asked her in the hospital — perhaps as a means of atonement?), that he is somewhat impulsive. Is this assessment in keeping with her previous experiences with him? If so, is this impulsivity enough to justify bringing an end to their relationship?
The woman in this story, Patricia Legarreta, is no more obligated to leave her boyfriend (also the father of her infant son) because he abandoned them in a moment of crisis, than she is to marry Jarell Brooks, the teenager who swooped in to help when he saw her alone. (Brooks took a bullet in the process. Legarreta was injured by a piece of shrapnel. The boyfriend escaped unscathed but for the fact strangers everywhere hate him now.)
Would I call things off with this guy? Probably.
But in this Piers Morgan interview with the two of them, she seems, if not thrilled, at least content when discussing the proposal [2:12]. As long as they both feel this is what they want, rather than what they feel they "should" do, they might as well go for it.
Is it okay to occasionally (like one out of every five times) have sex with your wife with absolutely no intention of her having an orgasm? I mean the act is taking place so I get mine and then we both eat chips and guac or something. A very one-sided quickie you might say.
If your wife has made it expressly clear she's cool with it.
It's quite possible that, for your wife, sex without orgasm is still plenty pleasurable. Maybe it's become that way out of necessity (because you straight-up can't get her there, champ) or convenience (because, while you can get her there, it's not an effective use of her time since, Ohhh God, the build-up is so arduous and drawn-out and not in a good way). Or maybe she simply derives pleasure from your pleasure.
If so, it's certainly conceivable that your wife would be perfectly amenable to a quick session with you, followed by some delicious guac. (Note: If a woman is allowing you to place your penis anywhere inside or on her body, the follow-up guacamole treat should be of a high quality. No prepackaged Trader Joe's mess. Take her out for the guac. Fresh lime in that guac. Etc.)
Maybe she would even welcome an ultra quick round in which there is zero pressure on her to fake an orgasm, although I'm sure she's gotten very good at that by now.
The thing to remember here is that, even if you're both aware that this particular session of Adult Gymnastics may not culminate in everyone getting off, you should still endeavor to make the experience as enjoyable for your wife as possible. If you're really just looking for an empty thrusting cavity, why not make one with your hand and join her for chips and guac when you're done? (Wash your hands.)
The circumstances under which this proposal is Not Okay are also very clear: If your wife goes into every sexual encounter expecting to climax — as you certainly seem to, based on your question — t's unlikely she'll be on board with what, you must admit, sounds like a selfish plan.
If, knowing your wife's preference is that you always at least attempt to bring her to orgasm, you still make no effort to do so one out of every five times you have sex, don't be upset if, one out of every five times she has sex, it is with someone other than you. Someone who will do her the courtesy of trying to make her come and then whipping up some fresh guac.
Also, "A very one-sided quickie" is something no one might say and you sound like a douche.
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