Russian Spies Wanted to Turn America’s Kids Into Spy Kids

Remember a couple years ago when those Russian spies (including one very or at least averagely sexy one) were busted after infiltrating some of New Jersey and Yonkers' most powerful third-tier social circles?

Today, the Wall Street Journal is reporting that their real goal was forcing members' American-born children into careers of espionage.

As natives, the children would have been more likely than their Russian-born parents to pass a U.S. government background check.

Unfortunately for the spies, most American-born kids require two to four years of "finding themselves" after college graduation before they can even begin to contemplate the idea of thinking about starting to consider looking for a part-time job. "How can I lead a double life when I'm still trying to exploring what I want to do with my first one?" the kids would whine at monthly debriefings.

According to unnamed intelligence officials quoted by the WSJ, the offspring most extensively groomed for future spydom was Tim Foley, a sophomore at George Washington University in D.C. Both of his parents were members of the ring.

Of course, these same officials are also possibly fucking with the Journal (if they're intelligence officials at all — maybe they're also Russian spies?) when they describe a melodramatic scene allegedly captured by surveillance equipment, in which Foley discusses with mom and pop his decision to enter the family business:

"At the end of the discussion with his parents…the young man stood up and saluted ‘Mother Russia.' He also agreed to travel to Russia to begin formal espionage training."

How's that dork ever going to become a spy? You gotta know how to play it real cool and smooth if you want to be a part of this crazy spy world, baby.

For the record, a lawyer for Tim Foley, the most bad-ass kid who ever lived on anyone's hall sophomore year, calls these crap-sounding accusations "crap" and says it would have been too risky for his parents to reveal their secret lives to their putz of a son.

One of the other children of a spy couple, this one a teenager and aspiring concert pianist, was allowed to remain in the U.S. after his parents were arrested, because he isn't viewed as a risk to national security.

Call the U.S. government "Für Elise," unnamed teenaged SpyKid, because you are playing it beautifully.

[Wall Street Journal // Image via AP]