Is it ever possible to be "too old to die?" According to an insane person from Niantic Connecticut, yes.
Earlier this week, The New London Day reports, Don MacKenzie bought a 17-pound-lobster previously slated to become a delicious menu item at local eatery The Dock Restaurant, and released it back into Poseidon's domain.
Based on his size, the lobster was estimated to be between 70 and 100 years old, which is the difference between getting a birthday wish from Smuckers and Willard Scott and getting a birthday wish from no one.
Local children had taken to calling him "Lucky Larry," on account of the cunning and skill with which he had managed, for so long, to evade the razor sharp scythe of Death. They spent the weekend being photographed with him at the expense of restaurant manager Kristen Eighme, whose arms, the Day reports, bear the brutal scars of one who has held a lobster with rubber banded claws for a couple minutes.
Though it seemed, at first, like Larry's day of reckoning had finally arrived, once Don MacKenzie got word of his existence, that fate was not to be.
"This lobster has seen World War I, World War II, seen the landing on the moon and the Red Sox win the World Series. He's made it this far in life. He deserves to live."
The message, then, to all the lobsters currently turning America's waterways into tenements of crustacea: if you want to die in this town, you've got to be young and you've got to be sexy.
A ten-year-old salt on the scene of the release noted that, due to its size, the lobster would not have made a good meal anyway.
"He's too big. The meat would be too tough."
Larry was released into the Long Island sound, in an area of water where it is impossible for lobstermen to drag their nets.
And that's where he drowned.