Have You Seen the Olympic Mascots? London Is Just Fucking With Us Now

The London Olympics have taken a lot of flack in recent weeks, mostly from Mitt Romney but also from some other people, for making choices that seem, if not altogether bad, certainly weird.

Sick children performing a "bed dance" with Cruella De Vil. A security team that largely does not exist. That sort of thing.

But perhaps the London Olympics' most absurd decision is one it made all the way back in 2010, with the adoption of its mascots.

Named Wenlock and Mandeville, they are sort of everything but, above all, nothing.

Here is what we know about them.

Story of Genesis
According to a narrative laid out in the first of their four-installment biographical video series, Wenlock and Mandeville were forged by a whiskered Dr. Frankenstein-type character out of steel left over from an Olympic stadium girder.

In the clip, their God presents his one-eyed misshapen creatures to his grandchildren as gifts.

The children accept them with glee and scamper off to their shared bedroom, where they place the steel abominations on the window ledge, then stand back doing nothing, as you would with any toy you were excited to have just received.

A rainbow happens, the little toys gain sentience and accessories, and then they are Wenlock and Mandeville.

Illuminati Connection
Because it is not enough that Wenlock and Mandeville are ugly, wretched things, these terrifying Cyclopes also boast Illuminati connections. The main logic behind these rumors seems to be that both mutants have visages consisting of a single giant eye. The All-Seeing Eye is a powerful symbol within the cloistered brotherhood of the Illuminati, many of whose founding members had eyes. If you have ever possessed a dollar, you might recognize the concept of an eye in isolation from the design on the back of the bill. If you are a member of the Illuminati, you might recognize it from anywhere in your everyday life – say on the grotesque non-faces of the Olympic mascots you designed.

Grant Hunter, probable vice-president of the Illuminati and the man who designed the mascots, told Slate on Friday that he is not a member of the Illuminati.

Orwellian Overtones
Incidentally, the weirdest thing about Wenlock and Mandeville's single giant eyes is not that they exist in the first place, but that they actually function as powerful cameras that allow Wenlock and Mandeville to "record everything" (in Wenlock and Mandeville mythology; not in real life because Wenlock and Mandeville do not exist in real life). People (and magazines) with a lot of secrets to hide find it more than a little disconcerting that the Olympic mascots should also so blatantly function as mascots of the UK's surveillance state.

Friends Denied
According to this Guardian article published at the time of the monsters' unveiling in 2010, rejected designs for the 2012 mascots included anthropomorphic pigeons, an animated tea pot, and a Big Ben with arms and legs.

What Are They Actually Supposed to Be?
Wenlock and Mandeville are loosely organized clumps of symbolism, representing a great many things but existing as nothing in particular.

Wenlock is named for the English town of Much Wenlock, whose local sports competitions provided the inspiration for the modern Olympics in 1890. The points on his head represent, not the horns of Satan, but the three medals won in each Olympic event. He also wears bracelets the Olympics committee refers to as "friendship bands," in the colors of the Olympic rings. The rings themselves represent the Olympic ideals of Sporty, Scary, Baby, Ginger, and Posh. Every friendship band represents a specific sexual favor Wenlock is willing to provide to boyz.

Wenlock is the mascot of the Olympics everyone will watch on TV.

Mandeville is named for Stoke Mandeville Hospital, the birthplace of the Paralympics. Mandeville wears a stopwatch referred to as his "personal best trainer," which, he explains, "reminds me I'm on a mission to be the best I can be."

Mandeville is the mascot of the Olympics where it's enough to just to be the best you can be.

Both of the widgets have taxi lights on top of their heads because.

What Do They Hope to Accomplish?

According to designer Grant Hunter, it is hoped that the steel blobs with cameras for eyes will "excite and inspire young people and encourage them to get involved in sport."

What Will They Accomplish?
Confusion, mass terror, hysteria, etc.

[London 2012 // Image via Getty]