Reader Tess has alerted me to "The Story of Jess & Russ," a wedding website so remarkably twee, it's like two Wes Anderson movies started fucking each other.
Let's run down the checklist to make sure we've touched every possible hipster element:
Overly elaborate site design that includes a silhouette of a girl being pulled through the moonlight by a little bird? CHECK.
He plays in a band? CHECK.
"After a tumultuous relationship came to a close, he decided to take a break from dating, and took up bread baking"? CHECK.
Animated teardrops? CHECK.
A cat? CHECK.
A shared love of ironic karaoke choices? CHECK.
826 fundraiser participation? CHECK.
I scrolled through this entire page (it's the length of a football field) and I feel like I just married Zooey Deschanel. TWICE. And while I respect the right of newlywed couples to spend what appears to be $500,000 on site architecture, we have to establish some basic ground rules for declaring your love for one another online. Because this... this is too much love. This is like stuffing a tunnel down your friend's throat and pouring in a gallon of Karo syrup. No one outside of your relationship could possibly care this much about the history of your relationship. And so, please consider the following rules when making your wedding page:
1. Don't make me scroll for nine hours just for me to get to the fucking date. All I want to know is A) The date, B) Where it is (if it's a destination wedding, I'm not going), and C) If there will be an open bar. I don't need your joint resumes lodged into the mix.
2. Please know that the more romantic your proposal, the more likely you are that you'll get divorced. I've seen it a million times. Some guy stages an elaborate proposal that includes hiding the ring at the top of a fucking restored Ferris Wheel that the bride rode as a child, and the couple ends up divorced nine months later. Meanwhile, the guy that proposes using a discarded cockring after the HPT comes back positive stays married for eight decades.
3. If you played in a band, please let me know if your band is playing the wedding. Because I will not be attending if that's the case.
4. After designing your wedding site, step back and ask yourself IS THIS TOO CUTE? Because it is. Remove at least half the twinkling stars.
5. Don't do that shit where you make me give to charity instead of buying you a gift. You want me to donate to water, Jess & Russ? I THINK NOT. I think you want to make yourself look good AND you're hoping I pick out a nice place setting at Bloomie's for you. YOU ARE FOOLING NO ONE.
As reader @j_zimms, says, "That site makes me want to punch weddings." Oh, and I wish the happy couple nothing but the best.
Image: From Jess & Russ