Rolo the hamster had quite the adventure over the weekend, apparently. First Rolo fell twelve feet out of a first floor window. Then he (she?) bounced off something called a 'car bonnet,' which sounds painful. And then some fucking cat chased it for a while. Luckily for Rolo, London's finest were standing nearby and on the case.
Officers Helen Hansen and Dave Kadwell risked their lives to rescue the rodent, waving their arms at the cat, which eventually ran off. Hansen was then able to trap Rolo under her helmet.
But now there was another case to solve: whose hamster was this? The two officers conferred for hours (maybe) and retraced their steps until they looked up and saw a "Beware of Hamster Sign" in a window. The officers put two and two together, and returned the hamster to its owners Milly and Bradley Rook, aged eight and 12.
Adorable, right? Well, maybe not.
Mum Debbie said: "Until they knocked on the door, we didn't know he was missing.
What sort of monstrous children don't notice a missing hamster? I'm not sure these ingrates even deserve a pet, much less one as resilient and resourceful as Rolo.
The police were feeling pretty good about themselves, though.
Sgt Rob Bourne said: "It seems Rolo had escaped his cage, fallen from the window, landed on a car bonnet in the driveway then stumbled into a cat before being saved by the officers.
"Rolo had quite a night.
"Our borough commander Guy Ferguson wants us to surprise and delight residents - and we certainly did surprise and delight this household last night.
"I've been in the job 12 years and never been required to deal with anything like this before."
Twelve years on the job without a single escaped hamster incident? Hard to believe.