One of the most frustrating things about watching the Olympics is knowing that you personally, would definitely be up there winning mad gold medals if only your mom hadn't let you quit gymnastics in third grade/refused to buy you a bow and arrow in fourth grade/failed to encourage you to pursue discus-throwing as a hobby two years outside of college/etc.
Now a program on the BBC website brings your Olympic dreams closer than ever by allowing you to see which Olympic athletes are your body doubles, even in your current slovenly state.
All you have to do to find your identical twin is plug in your height and weight. Maybe fudge the numbers a little if you want. We're not cops here. Then let BodyMatcher handle the rest.
The Olympians I am most like in terms of height, weight, and overall capacity for Olympic greatness are Lena Müller, a rower from Germany, Amina Rouba, a rower from Algeria, and Ki Ho Choi, a male cyclist from Hong Kong. Now if any of those three wins, it will be exactly like I won, and that is great.
The really fun thing to do with the BodyMatcher, though, is use it to screen your athlete crushes.
Used to be you had to get up real, real close to the TV screen during the Parade of Nations and try frantically to pick out the hotties of every country amidst chaotic camerawork.
Now you can just enter the specific height and weight of the person you would most like to be naked with, and let BodyMatcher wade through the Olympic meat market to bring you your prime cut.
Here are a couple prime cuts, all around 6'3, 180 pounds:
- Lars Boom, a cyclist from the Netherlands.
- Steven Lewis, a pole vaulter from Great Britain.
- Steven Lopez, a Taekwondosseur from the Greatest Nation in the World.
Once you have chosen your ideal Olympic mates, read up on their event on Wikipedia ("Nice to meet you, Lars. Did you know cycling, also called bicycling or biking, is the use of bicycles for transport, recreation, or for sport?") and practice writing your first name with their last name. Or maybe their first name with your last name. Or both of your names as-is, if you are a modern, independent couple.
Just remember to act surprised by their height and weight when you finally meet them in person.
[Your Olympic Athlete Body Match // Images via Getty]