On Thursday, swimmer Ryan Lochte's mother Ileana "Ike" Lochte took "Cool Mom" to a whole new level when she leaned in to Devil in a slick tailored suit Matt Lauer and told him her son is a wham-bam, Your money's on the dresser, Chocolate kind of guy:
"He goes out on one-night stands. He's not able to give fully to a relationship because he's always on the go."
Now Ike Lochte is disappointed in all of us for interpreting her innocent statement in such a filthy way.
She claims all she meant to say was that Ryan takes young ladies out on dates and then, at the end of the night, has to settle for a blow job because he doesn't want to get invested in a relationship. (A blow job is what it's called when you blow someone a kiss from a respectable distance.)
Ike says she didn't know what a one-night stand was, and that the media "turned it around."
"All I wanted to say is that he's so sensitive about not wanting to hurt a girl dating, so he just goes and dates and takes out a girl for maybe one or two dates and doesn't have a relationship because he doesn't have (time) and it's not fair to the women."
Sometimes Ryan Lochte takes girls out on as many as two dates before having sex with and then dumping them. If he really likes the woman, he might even give her a pearl necklace before leaving.
Of course, if this bewildered baby boy routine Lochte has developed for interviews is to be believed, the only physical contact Ryan's been getting in London is handjobs (the British term for "handshakes").
On Friday, the swimmer defended his mom in a kind of backhanded way:
"I knew how the media was going to take it, and I knew what my mom really meant…She is so oblivious to everything."
Moms are dumb.
[USA Today // Images via Getty]