Didn't I see you at Natalie Portman's wedding in Big Sur last Saturday? I was definitely there. I'm pretty sure you were too.
Let's talk about what all we saw and did at Natalie Portman's wedding to Benjamin Millepied, which we attended. In Big Sur. Last Saturday.
Probably the main things we saw were our friends Natalie Portman, 31, and her new husband the famous French dancer
Satine Benjamin Millepied, 35. They met on the set of her 2009 film Black Swan, where he played silent David, served as choreographer, and taught her to be less sexy than Mila Kunis.
One of the highlights of the night was when Portman walked down the aisle in a tea-length Rodarte First Communion dress, which was odd for two reasons.
First because, as we have established, she is "31," and second because she is Jewish.
You and I know for a fact that Portman is Jewish because she is one of our closest personal friends and also because her wedding had a traditional Jewish theme. She and Millepied got married under a chuppah. She and Millepied displayed a lot of chutzpah. Millepied stomped on a glass and we all yelled, "Mazel Tov!"
Here are the people near me who also yelled "Mazel Tov!": Diane Sawyer, Ivanka Trump, Macaulay Culkin, Rashida Jones, and Rodarte designers Kate and Laura Mulleavy.
The clear low point of the night was the food Portman and Millepied made us eat, which was designed for birds because Portman has been a vegan since 2009.
As a fellow attendee of Natalie Portman's wedding to Benjamin Millepied, you will no doubt recall that, in lieu of a cake, the couple served macarons, like at a Parisian-themed bachelorette party.
The chief ingredient in macarons is egg whites, which is seemingly at odds with Portman's strict dietary lifestyle. Since we attended the wedding, it is logical that people who were not invited might inquire of us whether the macarons were made with an egg-white substitute or simply not vegan-friendly. However, as I recall, neither you nor I sampled the macarons and therefore cannot be held responsible for any questions regarding their composition.
All in all, it was a beautiful ceremony and we and between 60-100 of Portman and Millepied's and our closest friends and family had a wonderful time.
Also, the couple really cheaped out on favors, right? Remember how everyone got a little packet of wildflower seeds inscribed with the word "Merci" before leaving?
It's like "De rien, guys."
Anyway, I lost mine.