How Paul Ryan Will Screw You

This past weekend, Mitt Romney named Republican congressman Paul Ryan as his running mate, leading everyone to wonder: how will this asshole screw me, personally, if he is elected vice-president in November? Luckily for you, we have answers.

No one knows how much power Paul Ryan would actually have as vice-president in a Romney administration. But let's assume for a second that Mitt Romney is only interested in choosing the music for his wife's horse dances, and as president lets Ryan run the show — in particular, signing off on Ryan's proposed budget, a supposedly Serious Piece of Legislation that is more or less the only reason he's on the ticket in the first place.

So, here's how Paul Ryan will screw you if you're...

... poor.

Under Ryan's budget, you'll likely pay more in taxes — people who make less than $30,000 a year will see their effective tax rates go up as tax breaks like the Earned Income Tax Credit are reduced — while receiving even less in services.

See, while you, as a member of the bottom 20% of wage earners, will be paying an average of $159 more in taxes, your boss' boss, a member of the top 20%, will probably be paying something like $13,907 less — meaning there's not nearly as much money for income-security programs like unemployment and food stamps (which will receive a 16% cut). Or for Medicaid, which Ryan would cut by a third (potentially kicking out 14 to 27 million people).

... a government worker.

Ryan's budget would extend the current freeze on federal worker pay rates, meaning you wouldn't get a raise until 2015 at the earliest. You'll also be asked to put more money into your retirement plan. Oh, also: one in ten of you will get laid off over the next three years.

... a veteran.

Hope you don't need much in the way of services! The Ryan budget cuts spending on veterans by $11 billion. Maybe you can get a job on Stars Earn Stripes?

... a woman.

Ryan voted against the Lily Ledbetter fair pay act, co-sponsored legislation declaring that "human life shall be deemed to begin with fertilization" and has voted to defund Planned Parenthood several times.

... a student.

If you're on a Pell Grant, you might lose it — eligibility will be tightened — and even if you don't, it'll be worth less: the Ryan budget wouldn't let the grants keep pace with inflation. And if you're on student loans, Ryan would double the interest rate you're paying, from 3.4 percent to 6.8.

... an old person.

Actually, if you're old right this minute, you're not necessarily screwed: the Ryan Budget's big Medicare overhaul doesn't affect current old people, just future old people. (In a weird coincidence, current old people vote at much higher rates than future old people.)

But if you're planning on being an old person? Instead of being enrolled in Medicare automatically, you'll be given a voucher that will likely cover some, but not all, of your health-care costs, and you'll end up paying about $6,000 more a year than you would have under the current system. The idea is that you'll be taking personal responsibility for your health, and make smarter choices, like dying early.

... Mitt Romney.

On the one hand, you're now tied to a budget plan that's deeply unpopular among moderates and seniors and your supporters like your running mate more than they like you.

On the other hand, under Ryan's plan your effective tax rate will be about one percent.

... Joe Biden.

You will probably have to try in this debate, at least a little bit.

... actor Zach Woods.

People will be telling you that you look just like Paul Ryan for at least the next three months, and possibly for the next eight-plus years.

... a single mom paying her way through college with wages from her low-income job, assisted by student loans and Pell Grants.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahaha. Sorry.

...rich.

He won't! You're set. Have fun.

Photo: Getty.