As the final Olympics medal count shows, America dominates at pretty much everything.
Who gets the gold? America gets the gold. Who gets the silver? America gets the silver. Who gets the bronze? Technically Brazil but, you know what Brazil? Why don't you let me hold that bronze for you so it doesn't get lost—BOOM, SUCKA. Gold medal in trickery (and, now, bronze medal in women's beach volleyball) goes to America.
For thousands of years, Americans have succeeded at just about anything they put their mind to, be it abolishing slavery or creating a sandwich that uses chicken filets in place of bread.
There is, however, one blotch on America's record of unstoppable perfection.
America was, at one time, a colony of Great Britain. But Great Britain has never been a colony of America.
Now, at last, the hour has arrived for America to take what is rightfully hers.
Britain's military has been weakened by the Olympic Games.
The Guardian reports that Britain's armed forces will take a full two years to recover from their involvement in the London Games, a two-week athletic competition in which they were dispatched to prevent drunk Italians from wandering into the swimming pool.
"It will take two years to recover from this, to get back to normal, to get everything back into kilter. You can't expect them to go back to normal routine very easily."
- Commander Peter Daulby
"In terms of threat [the Olympics are] not comparable [to operations in Afghanistan], but in terms of scale it is more than comparable. The complexity of the basing and the training to get them to task … it's been a massive operation in a short space of time."
- Brigadier Richard Smith
"It has been a mammoth task. We had to go to Ireland for the portable toilets [needed to accommodate the troops]. We couldn't find them anywhere else at such short notice."
- Major Austin Lillywhite
Commander Peter Daulby, the army's chief planner for the Olympics, explained that the recovery will take so long because of the high number of personnel deployed to provide security at extremely short notice.
When the army began planning its involvement in the Olympics, it only anticipated sending in 5,000 troops, figuring that 12,000 was the maximum number of people that could possibly be spared.
In the end, after the Olympic committee realized it had underestimated the number of security guards needed at the venues and the firm hired to provide security failed to supply the 10,400 guards it had promised, 18,000 troops were sent.
The Olympics ended up becoming the British military's largest peacetime operation; larger even than British military Senior Skip Day.
Still, Commander Daulby told the Guardian that the UK's ability to defend itself hadn't been completely compromised by sending 18,000 people to London for two weeks.
"Anything above 18,000 and you start to shut down elements of defense."
So, while the British military is not as disorganized as it was in the days when it consisted of a bunch of Anglo-Saxon thugs paddling up to the British Isles and hoping for the best, it's definitely more flustered than usual. Some of these troops can barely remember a world in which it was not the Olympics; cannot conceive of a time in which their portable commodes were not of fancy Irish stock.
That's where we come in. Literally.
The American invasion of Britain should take place as soon as possible, to capitalize not only on the military's weakened state, but also on the psychological effect of America's having so destroyed Team Great Britain in the medal count.
There should probably be some kind of vote as to who will be in charge of the operation. This can happen either online or via touch-tone dialing.
Right now the most important thing to do is for everyone to pick out the British house they want. I choose this house, which means all other houses are still available. Please stake your housing claim in the discussion space below.
I look forward to dominating Great Britain as we have so long dominated in America with you all.