Pretend to Be My Girlfriend, and Other Strange Roommate Stipulations

Thanks to Brian H. for sending in this odd roommate listing on Craigslist. It suggests the kind of unusual living arrangement that seems almost doable — until it veers into creep territory.

Simply put, I now need help paying the rent for my second-floor apartment in a private house and so am resorting to kind of subletting a spare room. I say "kind of" because if I can claim that you are my girlfriend then you can more easily room with me — which is why this offer is only available to females.

OK, so it's like Three's Company, except backwards. Surely there are worse things than pretending to be someone's significant other for cheap rent.

WE DO NOT HAVE TO BE ROMANTIC AT ALL. Just look like a couple in front of the landlord and his wife! NO HOLDING HANDS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT — just kind of appear to be a couple every now and then, that's all!

It's unclear exactly what he means by "look like a couple," especially since hand-holding is off the table. But hey, at least he's not suggesting an actual romantic or sexual arrangement.

Six hundred dollars every month gets you your own sunny 15.5-foot by 9.5-foot room facing a residential street, with three sequentially arranged double-hung windows (providing a panoramic picture window effect), on the second floor of a two-storey house in a safe, clean, and mostly quiet neighborhood. The eat-in kitchen, living room, and bathroom are shared — I'm quite a neat freak for a straight guy, and you should be too (quite a neat freak, that is). We will split electricity and internet down the middle — Netflix is on me! (Though I control the queue, okay?)

Depending on his taste in movies, this could actually be a pretty sweet deal. Sure, it's weird, but you can't really beat $600 a month for your own room. And he's tidy, which is always a plus.

Here's the catch, however, which is why I'd noted at the outset that this unusual situation isn't for everyone.

There it is.

1) No visits allowed except family on occasion by prior arrangement (no friends, romantic or otherwise!)

Enjoy complete isolation with your fake boyfriend.

2) Quiet — near silence — most times is a must (I am a writer and need peace to read and think)

You can't talk much, but you can sit quietly for as long as you'd like.

8) I have final say in any disagreement that may (hopefully won't — ever) arise, except as stipulated in this ad or in the agreement we will sign

Sounds like this guy is an expert in conflict mediation. When in doubt, he's right.

One more thing: if you cook well and only eat modestly, I'll cover the grocery bill for both of us some weeks when you cook for me as well during that time...vegetarian/vegan a plus!! (I am an omnivore but would like to have more of a plant-based diet.)

As long as you're not too busy not seeing friends or making noise, you might as well cook some meals for your fake boyfriend. Just be sure you don't eat too much of that food yourself.

If interested, please e-mail an introduction along with your photo (remember, we must look the part of a couple and so you can't be a sixty year-old midget — sorry to have to put it that way but I can't think of a politically correct way of emphasizing the requirements of the situation).

Basically, hotties only. This guy has a rep to keep up, and he can't have people thinking his girlfriend is older, fatter, or uglier than he is.

In any case, thanks for reading and GOOD LUCK TO EVERYONE on the search for decent quarters in this extremely expensive city!

And especially good luck to anyone desperate enough to reply to this ad.

[Image via Shutterstock]