Back to School, You Lazy Whelps, Ha Ha, Sucks for You

It's half-past August, and you know what that means in No Child Left Behind the 7-11 Without Some Book-Learnin' America: it's time for your unruly, ungrateful, and uncomprehending children to put down their childish toys of summers and return to the cold, gleaming socialization boxes in which we warehouse them virtually year-round, for the good of everyone.

Going back to school this god damn early is now "a thing," apparently. The WSJ says that school districts across the country (including LA and Chicago) have already summoned their pupils back, ruining any semblance of "youthful fun" in order to better prepare kids to take dreary mandatory tests that enable faraway bureaucrats to keep their jobs. And to keep kids from running around making a lot of noise in the daytime, and thank god for that. But some parents are saying... this:

"We are just wiping the barbecue sauce off our mouths and I am seeing pencil and pens and glue sticks," she said.

That was a Tennessee mom talking about seeing school supplies for sale just after July 4th, but it's really better without the context, don't you think?

"We are just wiping the barbecue sauce off our mouths and I am seeing pencil and pens and glue sticks," said the woman, describing her LSD-tinged cannibalistic Satanic cult initiation.

"We are just wiping the barbecue sauce off our mouths and I am seeing pencil and pens and glue sticks," said the woman previewing the new Adam & Eve "For All Budgets" line of dildos.

"We are just wiping the barbecue sauce off our mouths and I am seeing pencil and pens and glue sticks," said Guy Fieri, narrating the latest episode of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Glue Factories.

In any case: sucks you kids weren't born earlier. Really does.

[WSJ. Photo: cole24/ Flickr]