Inspired by the smart car not-at-all-blah create a car wrap contest, funny person Alex Scordelis agreed to give us some tips on how to unblah your own life by not being a completely predictable and utterly boring snoozefest of a human being. Read through the gallery, and prepare to live a life in which you thrill every single person you come into contact with.
1. Instead of shopping at a farmers' market, get your food on the black market.
Stop stocking up on freshly picked kale, beets and arugula at some outdoor hippie market and follow a daredevil's diet. Ask around at the Fulton Fish Market, or in the back alleys of Chinatown, and you'll soon be dining on some highly delectable (and potentially lethal) Japanese puffer fish. Have some wild beluga caviar on the side, and wash it all down with some high-proof absinthe. Just remember: Don't let some shady underground-food dealer try to sell you raw milk — it's illegal for a reason.
2. Instead of taking the subway, hitchhike to work.
Cramming yourself onto the subway, like a chubby Animal Collective fan stuffing himself into his skinny jeans, is one of the most soul-deadening experiences NYC has to offer. So leave the straphanger lifestyle behind and thumb your way to work instead. Bumming a ride off a stranger in NYC is common during transit strikes, so why can't it happen all the time? Pack a copy of The Dharma Bums in your briefcase, stick out your thumb, and get ready for a weird (and probably dangerous) adventure.
3. Instead of joining a book club, start a cult.
I'm not suggesting you start some insane, actual cult. Just pick a celebrity or public figure that you and a few of your friends think is super cool — like Lars Ulrich — and hold weekly meetings to talk about how awesome Lars is, or paint a watercolor of Lars, or write fan-fiction about Lars' life. (I was just using Lars Ulrich as an example, but now I think that your cult must worship him.)
4. Instead of hosting a cocktail party, throw a DIY rave.
No more artisanal cocktail parties! The abhorrent old-timey booze trend stops now. If you're going to host a bash, throw a rave. Clear all your furniture out of your apartment, invest in some serious subwoofers and outfit your living room with black lights and epilepsy-inducing strobes (available at RadioShack). Pass out Dr. Seuss hats and pacifiers to your guests. And in these hard economic times, you can probably book the Chemical Brothers on the cheap. Or create your own block-rockin' beats on your laptop.
5. Instead of checking out a new band, start a new band.
Are you tired of trying to keep up with the current crop of bands? Well, you have no excuse not to be in the current crop. It's never been easier to start a new band than in 2012. Just create a band name using a combination of two of the following words: beach, dirty, dude, or bro. Dirty Bro? Dude Beach? Both fantastic band names.
Then learn a Ramones song (this is a task that anyone with at least six fingers should be able to accomplish), change the lyrics, and post the track to Soundcloud. Within days, you'll be selling out Cake Shop and getting at least a 7.8 on Pitchfork.
Alex Scordelis is a writer at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre and the music critic at Paper magazine.
Check out all of the unblah entries in the smart car create a car wrap contest, and vote for your favorite now!