The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the rogue state of Lochtenation may at last have reached an uneasy peace, after their rulers, Prince Harry and Ryan Lochte, met at a Las Vegas hotel pool at 3 a.m. Monday morning, and drunkenly swore to always keep it real and be best bros forever and ever.
The New York Daily News reports the two were partying at what is earnestly described as a "nightclub pool." Upon arriving, both brahs apparently jumped into the water clothes and all, at which point several clever people in the vicinity likely commenced peeing, just so, if they ever appear on a game show, their fun fact can be "I once peed on Prince Harry and Ryan Lochte."
Photos from the night also show Lochte standing in the pool wearing a white t-shirt, probably because his tubster body makes him ashamed. Both the prince and the fresh-to-death prince were wearing jeans.
Because he probably realized he had nothing to say to Ryan Lochte after he'd already swum up to him, Prince Harry challenged the Olympian to a swimming race. Lochte said "Jeah!" and off they went.
Because he has only been trained to race, and not to think or feel, Ryan swam just as hard in this jokey funtime race as he does in Olympic competitions, and, of course, totally beasted Harry. After winning the race, Ryan Lochte raised his arms triumphantly and pounded his fists through the air. Because he is an asshole.
(It's like if an 8 year-old-girl wanted to show Gabby Douglas how she could do a cartwheel, and then Gabby Douglas responded with a front handspring step out, round-off backhandspring step-out, round-off back handspring, full-twisting layout. And then jabbed the little girl square in the chest with her hand and sneered, "I. Win.")
Following the race, Ryan Lochte was quietly beheaded.
[NYDN // Images via Getty]