The lamestream media would have you believe that the greedy little wastrel "Millennial" generation should actually be called "Generation Y." Do not believe this Millennialist propaganda, gentle readers. They are Millennials, and they are the best. And they're coming to take over your workplace with their youthful, self-indulgent demands.
In a foreboding sign of what is to come, the WSJ reports that in less than a decade, Millennials will make up 40% of the work force. A satisfying development, you say? A long-awaited chance to subjugate them to our own superior will, you assume? Think again, normal American: "more companies are jumping through hoops to accommodate their demands for faster promotions, greater responsibilities and more flexible work schedules." They run things now! Why, just look at these reasonable demands:
A little over two years ago, Chegg Inc., an online textbook-rental service based in Silicon Valley, was struggling with high turnover among its millennial employees.
Chief Executive Dan Rosensweig gleaned from millennials' exit interviews that they felt there was too much bureaucracy and not enough communication, utilization of their talent or fun. They also wanted the option of leaving the office at 2 p.m. and continuing their work at a Starbucks.
Oh you'd like to leave at 2 to have more "fun" working at Starbucks? Why not leave at noon and go directly to the disco dancing club? That sounds like appropriate corporate behavior! Why don't we just change this staid old company into a tattoo orgy convention with unlimited "cheeba cheeba" for our flannel-wearing "slacker" employees? A Thought Catalog in every pot! Perhaps that will satisfy you Millennials and your "anything goes" predilections, hmm? You accomodationists disgust me.
The good news is Millennials have only the shittiest jobs—for now.
[Photo of the offices of McKinsey & Co., circa 2020: Lorena Cupcake/ Flickr]