TV Council Finds That Everyone Is Just Naked All The Time Now, Releases Sexy Downloadable Clips to Prove It

Congrats, pervs. The Parents Television Council released its annual report on TV nudity earlier this week, and it looks like you smut soldiers are winning the war.

According to the report, instances of full-frontal nudity on prime-time TV have jumped a flabbergasting 6,300% since last year, which is basically like jumping a million billion percent since last year, which is basically like tuning in to watch Jeopardy! and being shown hardcore porn instead.

During the 2010-2011 broadcast season, the council found just one instance of full-frontal nudity on the networks it monitored (ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, and the CW). In the 2011-2012 season, there were 64 instances of tiny buck naked humans padding around inside our TV boxes, getting into funny naked situations for our amusement, and then going to sleep as soon as we turned off the TV.

Unlike the Cool Moms Television Council (who are down for whatever as long as you stay in the backyard and don't let anyone drive home drunk), the Parents Television Council is composed of a bunch of boring narcs with no police training or knowledge of narcotics. Because they've got to ruin fun somehow, the PTC exists primarily to remind everyone that naked is bad and clothes is good.

It is, therefore, a little strange that the council included, as a supplementary material to their report, a link to downloads of 19 offensive primetime clips.

These videos have all the boring non-naked parts of network programming cut out so that all that remains is scene after scene of boobies and butties. It's the kind of jerk-happy clip splicing project a teenage boy might take on if he were more like his brother, and not so lazy and shiftless.

(For a really thought-provoking examination of prime time buns, check out the clip from Don't Trust the B in Apartment 23, in which one character parades around her kitchen naked and sits on things.)

Luckily, for those who appreciated the nudity of 50 Shades of Gray but found the wording itself "too artistic," the Council also provides barebones written summaries of offensive scenes.

Here's some slash fan fiction starring the America's Got Talent cast, courtesy of the PTC:

Nick takes a camera on a behind-the-scenes look at America's Got Talent.

He knocks on Howie's trailer. Howie opens the door slightly, and Nick notices that Howie is shirtless. Howie invites him in, but Nick is reluctant. Howie is nude, with his genitals blurred out. He is trying to choose shoes to wear and asks Nick's advice, but Nick is uncomfortable and stares away from Howie. Howie then turns away from the camera and bends over toward the refrigerator, offering Nick something to eat. Howie's buttocks now faces the camera and is blurred. Nick turns away.

A moment later, Nick exits Howie's trailer, and Howie stands at the door, still nude and with his genitals blurred.

Howie wonders if it's show time yet.

In an effort to keep up with the increasingly T&A-friendly major networks, HBO will now pay a prostitute to come to your house and have sex with you while you watch Game of Thrones.

[Parents Television Council via New York Post // Image via NBC]