British people whose only friends are birds are freaking out this summer, as hundreds of their cherished pets are disappearing somewhere over England and no one can figure out what is happening to them or how to make friends with a human.
Many pigeon racers (?) have reported losing half of their flocks since pigeon racing season (?) started in April.
Like all birds, homing pigeons evolved millennia ago from rats who stole their wings from angels. This species has been selectively bred to find its way home across distances over hundreds of miles. (In other words: to stalk its owner.)
While you might think the racers would be glad to be rid of the cursed demon birds, they're actually taking a pretty big financial hit with every loss. According to the Telegraph a single homing pigeon can cost thousands of dollars.
Pigeon fanciers have dubbed the area where the birds are vanishing "The Bermuda Triangle."
According to the paper, the most popular theory behind the birds' disappearance argues that this summer's unusually high number of rain showers are to blame as birds, as dumb as they are evil, attempt to fly around the rain rather than holding a newspaper to their head and running straight through it, giggling. If true, this maneuver could result in the birds' winding up far off course.
Some people are suggesting that unusually high levels of solar activity have distorted magnetic fields, throwing off the birds' internal navigation systems. No one knows exactly what they mean by this, or if it is even a thing, but it sounds extremely scienced and everyone is too embarrassed to admit they have no idea what anyone is talking about.
Another theory states that signals from a U.S. spy base at Menwith Hill, North Yorkshire are somehow to blame, though, if the pigeons are, as they claim, "just regular normal ol' pigeons and not spies," they should have nothing to worry about.
The most obvious explanation is that Satan is calling home his sons and daughters.