The casting call sheet is appropriately entertaining, and it also lends itself to the useless fantasy casting that so many of us choose to engage in. I'll give you my picks — note that these are my dream choices, not actual speculation — but please sound off with your own in the comments.
Anna Nicole Smith, "a pretty, but plain girl growing up in small town Texas [who] transformed herself though sheer willpower." Lindsay Lohan. She's not old enough (though she looks it) or blonde enough (that can be fixed), but if Lindsay can be Lifetime's Liz Taylor, she can be their Anna Nicole. And everyone would appreciate the metatextuality of a fallen starlet playing another cautionary tale.
Howard K. Stern, a "lawyer-guy-friend-weirdo." David Schwimmer. There is no stronger choice to play Anna Nicole's nebbishy sidekick-turned-lover than everyone's favorite neurotic who isn't Woody Allen. Schwimmer also has the advantage of being kind of sexy from certain angles — sort of how you briefly entertained a crush on Howard K. Stern, and then felt shame and regret.
J. Howard Marshall, Anna Nicole's octogenarian husband, "skin going gray, head gone bald and liver spots everywhere." Kirk Douglas. I know he's a get, Lifetime, but find a way. Very few actors could imbue Anna Nicole's late spouse with the necessary dignity. Yes, he was an ancient man who bought a blonde bombshell wife, but they shared something truly special. (He was allegedly a passionate lover.)
E. Pierce, J. Howard Marshall's son, who "makes it his decision to DESTROY Anna." Michael Douglas. The actual son of Kirk Douglas is the natural choice, and Douglas could easily channel his Gordan Gekko coldness into the portrayal of a man who didn't think Anna Nicole deserved a big payout for sleeping with his gray-skinned, liver-spotted father.
Virgie, Anna Nicole's mother, "a plain-looking deputy living in a hardscrabble Texas town." Margo Martindale. It's not that I think Martindale is "plain-looking" — I just think she can present herself that way. She's one of the most versatile and consistent character actors. Martindale could make Virgie equal parts tough-as-nails and vulnerable, important features of the woman who gave us Anna.
OK, I'm putting these picks on my vision board.
[Image via AP]