Republican Convention, Day One: Everyone Get Ready for Nothing

REPORTING LIVE FROM INSIDE THE TAMPA CONVENTION CENTER—Day one of the Great Republican Convention of 2012 has arrived, and here we are bright and early inside the belly of the beast, to give you, the Real Americans, an inside glimpse at this most vital of American political institutions.

On the schedule today: thousands of reporters covering absolutely nothing.

The convention itself is CANCELLED today due to Storm Isaac, and I would like to note for the record that it was not raining when I came in this morning, although the clouds were indeed very menacing. Therefore, today will consist of our nation's entire political press corps scrambling to fill up 24 hours with absolutely zero real (fake) content to cover. Or just drinking.

Getting into the Tampa Convention Center, where the press is being warehoused, requires a grim walk down a fenced-in security corridor manned by dozens of police officers and soldiers, like a less welcoming Baghdad checkpoint. Press corps members will pass a minimum of eight M-16-wielding gunners on their way to work today. And one bald Secret Service guy in a bulletproof vest with full sleeve tattoos. And a metal detector and bag scanner at the front door.

Republican Convention, Day One: Everyone Get Ready for Nothing

All of the real media outlets SELLOUT media outlets have designated workspaces in the convention center. But unlike our SELLOUT competitors like Buzzfeed, HuffPo, TPM, all major newspapers, wire services, TV and radio outlets, and Newsmax, we are "keeping it real" by working from the far more democratic Press Filing Center, where all of the unimportant hardcore media is stationed. As you can see from the top picture on this post, the lone reporter assigned to cover the RNC is hard at work.

Republican Convention, Day One: Everyone Get Ready for Nothing

Seating here in the Press Filing Center is on a first come, first served basis. You have to reserve your own spots here with a business card, or, failing that, with a sign.

Ours is affixed with saliva.