Any New Yorker will tell you that no trip to Manhattan is complete without becoming embroiled in one of the city's famed crutch fights.

Luckily, one of the most popular destinations for crutch fights is right outside the Office Depot in tourist-friendly Times Square.

You will know your crutch fight has begun when you feel a metal crutch collide with your skull with a loud "CRACK." A gathering crowd will ooooooh to signal that the fight is officially underway.


The first thing you must do is select a weapon. If there is a wooden police barricade nearby, you use it to knock the air out of your opponent. However, it is imperative that you account for both the weight and length of the police barricade, else you will find your center of gravity swiftly compromised.


(In the video above, one crutch warrior overestimates his ability to dexterously maneuver a giant police barricade, so that he is ultimately able to do little but smush it gently into his opponent's face. Do not make this mistake.)

Creative fighters may choose to throw a shoe at the crutch-wielding maniac attacking them. You may also throw a snow globe or hot dog. If you are strong enough, pick up a taxicab and hurl it at your assailant.

The most traditional weapon in a crutch fight is, of course, the crutch. Fortunately, crutches are typically found in pairs, meaning even if your opponent already has one, odds are good another crutch is lying around. Locate the spare crutch and use it to defend yourself against your opponent's blows. (If you do not see a spare crutch, grab one from a passerby who is using it to walk. Explain that you need the crutch for a crutch fight)

Once you and your opponent are both swinging crutches, allow them to collide in the air like noble swords. Hum the Pirates of the Caribbean theme to pump yourself up for combat. If you have not already removed your eyeglasses, remove them now, in the middle of the fight.

NOTE: If you do not feel your opponent is being respectful, gently remind him (or her) to "Respect me, muhfucka."

If you are not a direct participant in the crutch fight, shuffle awkwardly around the sidelines and yell encouragement (or discouragement). While you may fake as though you are going to become involved in the fight by walking toward the participants, under no circumstances should you actually become involved in ending or prolonging a fight, as this is considered disrespectful to the crutch warriors.

Continue to battle even after everyone's weapons have become damaged and useless; the crutch fight does not officially end until a young woman with an afro who doesn't have time for this walks up and demands a cease-fire. (At this point, you must apologize to everyone gathered for taking up the sidewalk with your crutch fight.)

New York Tip: In the event of an emergency, such as a crutch fight gone awry, the highest-ranking city employee on the scene becomes Automatic King. Automatic King has the power to break-up a fight simply by calling "Alright, alright!" and even the power to kill with impunity. In the event there are no city officials present, the person with the cleanest shirt becomes Automatic King.

Automatic King can recuse him- or herself from duty on the grounds of being very scared and nervous, as happens in the above video. In these instances, chaos is allowed to reign and all observers must pay a tithe in blood.

[h/t Animal New York]